New Beginnings and the Chaos that follows

So it's been a crazy, crazy month.  Our visit with Kevin ended so sweet and peaceful  We had such a great day with him the next day.....it was much different than the day before with the key incident.  I finally received this picture in the mail from Kevin.  It was taken shortly before we left on Sunday afternoon.

Everyone keeps asking how he is....and well on average I'd say he's great considering the circumstances.  I mean he has bad days....and those honestly tend to correlate with the days that he is unable to work out.  That has become a big part of his life there.  It's how he releases frustration as well as builds relationships with other guys there.  Not to mention he's lost close to 20 lbs in 6 weeks.  Turns out that working out actually helps you lose weight......especially if you do it 2-4 hours a day in the blazing texas heat! Amazing right?  When he walked in on Saturday I remember thinking, "Man, he looks hot."  Anyone who's been married for over 5 years can understand that's not something women think about their spouses on a daily basis.  He's moved from a dorm unit into 2 man cells which he loves.  He can pray and study and read in peace.  Only catch is there is no air conditioning!  Yeah the average temperature this month has been eh around 98 or so.  Yeah um NO THANK YOU!  But Kevin never complains.  He's just grateful for the quiet.  It reminds me of this praise song I love and it says, "You are stillness, You are quiet, you are comfort and peace."  In the stillness and quiet, it's easier for him to get in God's presence, even if it's Texas hot!  

It's been a month of firsts for us.  We came home and had to get ready for the first day of school.  My baby started Kindergarten this year.  I have to say,  I pictured this day much different.  I've been dreading it since the day he was born.  I expected to drop him off and make it just outside of the building and be able to turn into Kevin's arms and completely fall apart.  But that is obviously not what happened.  The morning of I was completely prepared....which is so unlike me :)  

teacher gifts...check

hot breakfast.......check

1st day of school notes ........ check

We got ready to go and right as we're getting ready to pray (which is something we do everyday before school) the phone rang and my heart seriously lept.  All I wanted was for the kids to be able to talk to Kevin before they went to school.

This picture still brings tears to my eyes.  Kevin was able to talk to them and pray over them.  And there was nothing I wanted more than that.  So then we did what every family does on the first day of school....we took a ridiculous amount of pictures!

And then it was time.....it was time for me to walk out of an elementary school without a baby, toddler, or preschooler.  I teared up walking down the hall, but then I realized this is a new beginning.  We are entering a new stage of life and this is just one step closer to Kevin coming home.  We had plenty of breaking down lately and now it was time to stand up.  I went into the "tears and cheers" breakfast for the kinder parents, where I sat with my friend Jenny who had just buried her sister (who battled breast cancer) the day before.  Oh yeah wait....what was I crying for again?  I forgot.  Afterwards I walked out and got in my car and realized it was the first time I'd been alone since Aug 5. (except for a dentist appointment where I had about 10 minutes alone driving.) and I sat there and soaked in it for a while......then it was time for interviews.  Yup I had 5 interviews scheduled and you want to know how amazing God is???  I never sent out one resume.  Or even made one phone call for that matter.  It just so happened that I had 5 different companies try to recruit me right at the time that I needed a job.  That is the favor of God right there.....there's no other way around it.

My baby boy also started t-ball this month.  And as hard as it is to not have Kevin here to coach him, by the grace of God we were placed on a team with some amazing Godly men.   And I couldn't be more grateful for that.  In fact, I prayed for it!  And of course because life has become insanely crazy I decided to volunteer to be team mom!!!  I've concluded that the key to making time pass by quickly is to stay busy.  And I am completely in love with watching a bunch of 5 years olds attempt to play baseball.  It just makes my heart happy.  I mean how can you resist this??

Oh and then the first game.......I am seriously in love!  Look at this face!  How can you not love him??

We also got to meet my cousin's new baby and say goodbye to him.. He is our real life hero and is leaving on his first deployment in the next few days.  Prayers for safety for him and peace for his family would be much appreciated!

So after all the piano lessons. gymnastics classes, t-ball practices and games, homework, room-mom meetings, interviews, lunch dates.......the list goes on and on, I was seriously losing my mind.  And after the 2nd time having to wake kids up early to do homework that I overlooked I decided it was time for an intervention.  I had to get our lives all in one place.  Single moms, or any moms for that matter, take note of this.....it has become our command center and is working beautifully!  The kids put their papers for me to look at in the bottom folder for me so I don't have to dig through backpacks.  And our calendar is color coded.

So far it's working flawlessly.  Kevin still has no clue what I am talking about.......He's never seen this kind of organization from me before.  Pretty sure if he walked in and saw it, he'd have a coronary!

With all the firsts we have come across a lot of new people face to face.  Teachers, coaches, other moms, potential employers, classmates, ect....... and to be honest I have not been completely open with them about our situation.....it's just awkward you know?  I can't just lead with, "Hi I'm Nicole and my husband is the only dad who's not here because he's in prison for something that happened a long time ago when he was a completely different person!"  I think it would make everyone a little uncomfortable.  I'm beginning to understand the stigma behind why people hide this.  It's easy for me to sit here at my computer in my PJs and write about our story, but it's quite another to come out in a conversation and give them our testimony (plus I'd need a few hours just to cover the last 3 years).  It's just kind of heavy you know?  Is it bad that I just want to wear a sign that says, "Please read my blog www.whenispeakhisname.blogspot.com so that I can stop being vague about where my husband is?"  It would make my life so much easier!  I've seen this posted so many places and it is so profound! 

You never know what the mom or dad that you meet at t-ball practice, or at the room-mom meeting, or at the gymnastics class, or anywhere for that matter is facing at home on a daily basis.  We're all walking a different path....some are harder than others and some are for a season while others are life long.  We all have hills and valleys.  Being open enough for people to feel comfortable sharing their stories with me is something I pride myself in.  Take the time to be kind to someone today......you may be the one person they choose to let in.....and when people let you in, you have to opportunity to share with them.  I share how Christ has changed my life and how leaning on Him and Him alone can lift burdens and set captives free!  I challenge you to be that kind of light today.

I start my new job on Monday as a loan officer.  (Insert shameless plug:  If you live in Texas and are looking to buy a home or refinance your mortgage I'm your girl!  Seriously please contact me!)  Monday is my 30th birthday as well.  It's another day that I never thought I'd spend without Kevin.  In fact I had to call and order my own birthday cake today.  Our tradition is that you can have whatever you want for breakfast on your birthday and I always pick cake :)  I may not have Kevin this year but on the up side I have hair! :)

This was my last birthday.

  

It's funny how when you've survived cancer every birthday means so much more.  And this next weekend we're going to see Kevin so Happy Birthday to me! :)

The key isn't always the KEY!

So I had no intention of blogging tonight about our visit.  My plan was to go our 2 days and come home then when I had some time I'd sit down and write my post, but after the day we've had I've decided that today needs it's own post.  It's been eventful to say the least.

We had meet the teacher at school last night.  The kids are at a new school this year and my baby is starting kindergarten! Sniff Sniff.  Everything went off without a hitch and the kids are super excited to start school.

So afterwards we came home and I packed us up.  And I packed meticulously, which goes against everything in my nature.  I'm more of a fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl, so the fact that I took the time to make sure we had EVERYTHING we needed was out of the ordinary.  Kevin is the packer....he even rolls our cloths because it looks "neater".  I spent a good portion of the evening, after I put the kids down early, researching every detail of the visiting process (why no one has blogged about their visiting experience is beyond me!).  I focused in on things like dress code, vending machines, what not to bring......I was particularly amused by the what not to wear list!

The following attire will NOT be permitted:

Skirts, dresses, culottes: 3 or more inches above the knee in the standing position or splitsin the material to include wrap around clothes 
C apri pants could be worn but must be no shorter than the calf area 
Khaki clothing (pants, shirt, blouse, etc.)
Shorts (only children 12 and below may wear shorts)
Halter, tube, tank or crop tops
Any shirt/blouse exposing the midriff
Brassiere-less
Spandex attire
See-through clothing to include plain white t-shirts
Form fitting clothing
Sweat pants or jogging suits
Clothing displaying obscene gestures, language or disruptive symbols
Hats, Any type/form/resemblance of/to a baseball cap, cowboy hat, sombrero, head wrap,
or head band.
NOTE: Shoes must be worn by all visitors except infants. Flip flops or any other type of house
shoes are not to be worn for visitation.

I was planning on wearing both my culotte and my sombrero so you can imagine my disappointment! ;) No but seriously I live in flip flops and headbands!  And all my breast cancer girls will know what I'm talking about when I say wearing  a "brassiere" with tissue expanders is not a comfortable thing.  But for him I don't care if I have to wear a trash bag.  So I was completely prepared.  Bags packed, everyone's clothes laid out, car cleaned, plenty of activities to keep the kids busy on the road, I mean I had it all!  There was even some of this action going on:

Kevin would have a coronary if he would have seen this kind of organization from me (at work I do lists and organization...at home not so much but we're obviously improving!).  And the amazing thing......when you prepare the night before, your mornings are smooth sailing!  Imagine that! (Mental Note: Remember this next week when school starts)  So at 6 am sharp everyone was up and putting their clothes on.  We took our time and it was organized bliss....even the dogs were good.  It was like a Solar Eclipse, things rarely come together like that.  We were all packed and on the road by 7am which gave us plenty of time to drop the dogs.  We stopped in Dallas and dropped the dogs off at my brothers and we were off, praise music blasting, ready to see Daddy!  It was such a peaceful drive.  There was no fighting, no screaming, no "mom, how much longer?", only one bathroom break and I was the one who needed it.  So we pull in right around 10:30.....a plan perfectly executed right? 

Visiting hours run from 8am to 3pm every Saturday and Sunday, but Kevin had told us not to get there until 10:30 or 11 because we would have to wait in a long line otherwise.  This is what I see pulling up.

Yup see all those people standing in line and more walking up.  Yipee!  Oh and did I mention it was eh about 95 degrees outside?  But you know what?  No big deal......I'm happy to wait.  Just knowing we're in the same air makes my heart happy.  So we take all our pictures before we have to put the camera away.  (The people in line were looking at me like I was nuts.  I guess most people try not to document this process.)

So we head back to the car and I let the kids grab some stuff to keep them busy while we wait in line.  They found a shady spot and sat down and I got in line.  I never meet a stranger so of course I start chatting up the people in line with me.  The woman in front of me had already waited in line once and was sent away because her skinny jeans were "too tight".  So she had to go to a store and buy some new pants.  I noticed everyone except one guy (who was sent away as well) were wearing closed toed shoes.  So I asked if she thought my sandals were okay, It just said no flip flops so i figured my sandals were ok.  Well she told me that they do not allow open toed shoes.  But since I was soooo super organized I had grabbed a pair of tennis shoes just in case, so crisis averted.  The line was moving quicker than I thought so I called the kids over.   I had people behind me now and didn't want to lose my place in line so I gave Taylor my keys and asked all the kids to walk to the car together (which was about 50 feet away without crossing any streets) and put my phone and their stuff up and to grab my tennis shoes out of the back.  So I watch them and Kayden comes running back with my shoes.  While she was gone I remembered that I had forgotten my Driver's License.  So when Kayden brought my shoes I told her to go back and and grab my driver's license and to make sure the car was locked.  Then I see Taylor walking up and I can tell her face is distraught,  I look and she has nothing in her hands.  Jake is following closely behind her smiling so I think, "maybe she's just nervous."  Then I notice no one has my car keys.  

You know those parenting moments that you wish you could just erase? or do over?  Yeah.  So I ask Taylor where the keys are.  She turns around and says, "Jake had them."  All 3 of them are standing in front of me at that point and I look at Jake and ask him where the keys are.  I remember thinking in my head, "there's no way they locked my keys in the car."  And right as I finished that thought he says, "They're in the car," and the kid is smiling.  So I look at Taylor and say,"Well the doors aren't locked right?"  She bursts into tears and I felt my heart physically sink and then all the emotions that I have been managing came flooding out in the most unholy way possible. I grab my son's arm and drag him back to the car. Everything in me is raging.  It's taking every ounce of self control I still have to not spank this kid out of anger.  The girls stand in the line for a minute before realizing they'd better follow.  At this point I am just angry.  I was so meticulous about every detail.  How is this happening?  I have no phone, no i.d., and it's blazing hot outside.  And no one in the line even batted an eye.  Once I get the entire story from all of them it turns out Jake had grabbed the keys from his sister just to irritate her and was more or less playing keep away from her and then wasn't getting out of the car just to agitate.  He'd already hit the lock button on the remote and taylor finally got him out of the car, but without the keys.  I am not keeping my composure at all at this point.  All I can think is, "He is right here and I'm not going to get to see him today."  I spot a kid (maybe 17) sitting in his car using his phone.  So I walk over and tell him what is going on and ask if I can call a locksmith.  So he looks up the only 3 locksmiths listed in Texarkana.  And not one of them answers the phone.  This process took about 25 minutes to get through because I kept handing the phone back to the kid and he would find another number.  I had no clue what to do.  I don't have anyone's number memorized.  Then the number of one of my close friends pops into my head.  The only reason I remembered it was because I had to put in on about 20 school forms.  So I call her and as soon as her husband picks up I burst into tears.  And once that dam opened the tears flowed.  I told her what was going on and that I didn't know what to do.  She told me it was going to be okay and to pray in the spirit.  She said she would find someone to get out there.  I hung up that phone and had no idea what was happening.  I walked off from my 3 kids trying to regain my composure, (and to not say something that I couldn't take back) but all 3 of them were in tears at this point too.  (Just a side note.....walking into the prison was not an option....they would not let you in without an i.d. period).  I just couldn't get it together.  I tired to walk over and pray, but man the enemy was all over me and it was easier to be angry and upset.  I can't imagine what my poor babies were feeling.  I know that seeing me so upset made them feel horribly guilty and being honest I didn't help  ease those feelings at all.  I took them over to a shady spot and we literally sat on the grass there sobbing.  And then my amazing nine year old daughter did what I didn't have the strength to do.  She looks at me tears running down her face and says, "Mom can we pray?"  And something rose up out of me and snapped back at her, "Go for it!"  And at that point I realized that was not me talking.  That was something dark and ugly that I needed gone. Like RIGHT NOW!  I sat there for a second and had to push away the ugliness running through me and I grabbed hands with my kids and I prayed over them and we all cried.  It was very similar to the scene we had there as a family 3 weeks ago.  But I felt that ugliness leave and the strength of the Lord return.

I am embarrassed at the way I acted today and I had to apologize and ask my kids for forgiveness.  But as a parent I have never been prouder.  My daughter saw the issue and knew exactly what to do about it.  She knew we weren't dealing with keys locked in the car.  We were dealing with a spiritual issue. 

 Wait wasn't I just blogging about this?  Yes I was and today I was not walking my talk.  But man my daughter was so we must be doing something right.  Pop a lock showed up shortly after that and 2 hours after we arrived we were finally walking in.

We got a full 2 hours with him and honestly it was not as scary as it looks going in.  The room is nice....it was crowded but nice.  And they have a family room that is staffed from 12-2 on Saturdays.  So we went in there and played some games for a little bit.  They were not strict about contact at all.  The kids kept fighting over sitting in Kevin's lap.  He looks amazing.  He cut his hair short and he's lost a good 15 lbs.  Guess that working out stuff really works. Imagine that! He was glowing when he saw us and he prayed over us before we left.  And you know what?  I had no issues controlling my emotions.  It would have been easy to give place to that darkness again and break down and cry an tell Kevin how horrible our morning was, but instead we laughed and I got to tell him how amazing his daughter is. It's amazing how simple it really is.

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But we make it so hard.  Swallow your pride......submit to God.......and the devil has to go!  Thank God that His grace is sufficient and his mercies are new every morning....although we didn't have to wait until morning. Thank you so much for all your messages and prayers, they were working.  I will post more later about what our visit was like, but just know that this visit was exactly what this family needed.  Look at these sweet faces and you can see it!

Oh and this too!