New Beginnings and the Chaos that follows

So it's been a crazy, crazy month.  Our visit with Kevin ended so sweet and peaceful  We had such a great day with him the next day.....it was much different than the day before with the key incident.  I finally received this picture in the mail from Kevin.  It was taken shortly before we left on Sunday afternoon.

Everyone keeps asking how he is....and well on average I'd say he's great considering the circumstances.  I mean he has bad days....and those honestly tend to correlate with the days that he is unable to work out.  That has become a big part of his life there.  It's how he releases frustration as well as builds relationships with other guys there.  Not to mention he's lost close to 20 lbs in 6 weeks.  Turns out that working out actually helps you lose weight......especially if you do it 2-4 hours a day in the blazing texas heat! Amazing right?  When he walked in on Saturday I remember thinking, "Man, he looks hot."  Anyone who's been married for over 5 years can understand that's not something women think about their spouses on a daily basis.  He's moved from a dorm unit into 2 man cells which he loves.  He can pray and study and read in peace.  Only catch is there is no air conditioning!  Yeah the average temperature this month has been eh around 98 or so.  Yeah um NO THANK YOU!  But Kevin never complains.  He's just grateful for the quiet.  It reminds me of this praise song I love and it says, "You are stillness, You are quiet, you are comfort and peace."  In the stillness and quiet, it's easier for him to get in God's presence, even if it's Texas hot!  

It's been a month of firsts for us.  We came home and had to get ready for the first day of school.  My baby started Kindergarten this year.  I have to say,  I pictured this day much different.  I've been dreading it since the day he was born.  I expected to drop him off and make it just outside of the building and be able to turn into Kevin's arms and completely fall apart.  But that is obviously not what happened.  The morning of I was completely prepared....which is so unlike me :)  

teacher gifts...check

hot breakfast.......check

1st day of school notes ........ check

We got ready to go and right as we're getting ready to pray (which is something we do everyday before school) the phone rang and my heart seriously lept.  All I wanted was for the kids to be able to talk to Kevin before they went to school.

This picture still brings tears to my eyes.  Kevin was able to talk to them and pray over them.  And there was nothing I wanted more than that.  So then we did what every family does on the first day of school....we took a ridiculous amount of pictures!

And then it was time.....it was time for me to walk out of an elementary school without a baby, toddler, or preschooler.  I teared up walking down the hall, but then I realized this is a new beginning.  We are entering a new stage of life and this is just one step closer to Kevin coming home.  We had plenty of breaking down lately and now it was time to stand up.  I went into the "tears and cheers" breakfast for the kinder parents, where I sat with my friend Jenny who had just buried her sister (who battled breast cancer) the day before.  Oh yeah wait....what was I crying for again?  I forgot.  Afterwards I walked out and got in my car and realized it was the first time I'd been alone since Aug 5. (except for a dentist appointment where I had about 10 minutes alone driving.) and I sat there and soaked in it for a while......then it was time for interviews.  Yup I had 5 interviews scheduled and you want to know how amazing God is???  I never sent out one resume.  Or even made one phone call for that matter.  It just so happened that I had 5 different companies try to recruit me right at the time that I needed a job.  That is the favor of God right there.....there's no other way around it.

My baby boy also started t-ball this month.  And as hard as it is to not have Kevin here to coach him, by the grace of God we were placed on a team with some amazing Godly men.   And I couldn't be more grateful for that.  In fact, I prayed for it!  And of course because life has become insanely crazy I decided to volunteer to be team mom!!!  I've concluded that the key to making time pass by quickly is to stay busy.  And I am completely in love with watching a bunch of 5 years olds attempt to play baseball.  It just makes my heart happy.  I mean how can you resist this??

Oh and then the first game.......I am seriously in love!  Look at this face!  How can you not love him??

We also got to meet my cousin's new baby and say goodbye to him.. He is our real life hero and is leaving on his first deployment in the next few days.  Prayers for safety for him and peace for his family would be much appreciated!

So after all the piano lessons. gymnastics classes, t-ball practices and games, homework, room-mom meetings, interviews, lunch dates.......the list goes on and on, I was seriously losing my mind.  And after the 2nd time having to wake kids up early to do homework that I overlooked I decided it was time for an intervention.  I had to get our lives all in one place.  Single moms, or any moms for that matter, take note of this.....it has become our command center and is working beautifully!  The kids put their papers for me to look at in the bottom folder for me so I don't have to dig through backpacks.  And our calendar is color coded.

So far it's working flawlessly.  Kevin still has no clue what I am talking about.......He's never seen this kind of organization from me before.  Pretty sure if he walked in and saw it, he'd have a coronary!

With all the firsts we have come across a lot of new people face to face.  Teachers, coaches, other moms, potential employers, classmates, ect....... and to be honest I have not been completely open with them about our situation.....it's just awkward you know?  I can't just lead with, "Hi I'm Nicole and my husband is the only dad who's not here because he's in prison for something that happened a long time ago when he was a completely different person!"  I think it would make everyone a little uncomfortable.  I'm beginning to understand the stigma behind why people hide this.  It's easy for me to sit here at my computer in my PJs and write about our story, but it's quite another to come out in a conversation and give them our testimony (plus I'd need a few hours just to cover the last 3 years).  It's just kind of heavy you know?  Is it bad that I just want to wear a sign that says, "Please read my blog www.whenispeakhisname.blogspot.com so that I can stop being vague about where my husband is?"  It would make my life so much easier!  I've seen this posted so many places and it is so profound! 

You never know what the mom or dad that you meet at t-ball practice, or at the room-mom meeting, or at the gymnastics class, or anywhere for that matter is facing at home on a daily basis.  We're all walking a different path....some are harder than others and some are for a season while others are life long.  We all have hills and valleys.  Being open enough for people to feel comfortable sharing their stories with me is something I pride myself in.  Take the time to be kind to someone today......you may be the one person they choose to let in.....and when people let you in, you have to opportunity to share with them.  I share how Christ has changed my life and how leaning on Him and Him alone can lift burdens and set captives free!  I challenge you to be that kind of light today.

I start my new job on Monday as a loan officer.  (Insert shameless plug:  If you live in Texas and are looking to buy a home or refinance your mortgage I'm your girl!  Seriously please contact me!)  Monday is my 30th birthday as well.  It's another day that I never thought I'd spend without Kevin.  In fact I had to call and order my own birthday cake today.  Our tradition is that you can have whatever you want for breakfast on your birthday and I always pick cake :)  I may not have Kevin this year but on the up side I have hair! :)

This was my last birthday.

  

It's funny how when you've survived cancer every birthday means so much more.  And this next weekend we're going to see Kevin so Happy Birthday to me! :)

10,000 and the Virgin Mary

So my blog hit 10,000 views a few days ago! It seriously blows my mind! I know that's not necessarily 10,000 people but it still has to be a lot! A lot of those views are thanks to Ashley Hacksaw over at Lil blue boo and this post about hair loss. It's really exciting, and I hope in some way my story is blessing you!

Back in December of last year my pastor announced that at the end of the year we would be fasting and seeking God for goals for 2012. I'm going to be honest here.... I love food! So fasting did not sound like my idea of bringing in the new year!  But hey if God could tell me what was up for a new year I figured it was worth it.  I did sun up to sun down fasting for 3 days, which means basically I ate breakfast and dinner and did water during the day.  It was not easy, but when your stomach starts to ache....it's an instant reminder to get into prayer!  And I kid you not I heard Him....The first couple of things were easy and clear!  But then it started to get a little fuzzy and I thought I heard the word "Write".  I really didn't understand, but I did what my pastor said and wrote it down.....but I put a question mark by it.  I just didn't understand what in the heck He wanted me to write.......My first thought was music since I play the guitar and have really been wanting to try writing a song.  But that's not what God had planned.  The fist and only time so far I feel like I really heard an audible voice from God was on May 16, 2012 during our normal pre-service prayer time.  I had recieved my cancer diagnosis 2 days earlier and still just felt at peace.  I wasn't up at the alter blubbering asking God why this was happening.....I was asking God to show me how to glorify Him through this journey.  AND CLEAR AS DAY I HEARD HIM SAY THE WORD "WRITE"!  It starteled me to the point that I looked up to see if there was someone in front of me.  My pastor was up on stage praying but was not looking at me and had not said anything.  For some reason, I thought to myself, "I need to remember that this song ( When I speak Your name by Christ for the Nations was playing at the time) is playing right now."  I bowed my head and heard it again "WRITE" and instantly I saw a blog in my head.  And then I heard Him say, "And this is what you are going to call it" as Elizabeth Clark belted out, "I say Your Name, I speak Your name, There's power in the name of Jesus!"  And then like Joey on friends I had that "Oh Ok I get it " moment as my head flashed back to this piece of paper taped in the front of my Bible.

Subject Change......don't worry I'm going to tie this together at the end.....I promise this is not my ADD kicking in!

So I love Christmas time...everything about it.  Since I've become a mom, I've been fascinated by the Virgin Mary (the mother of Jesus).  I remember being 15 and thinking about what I would do if an angel came and told me I was pregnant.....I don't think I would have been as willing as Mary was.  I know she must have struggled, but to be chosen by God must have been humbling.  Some of my favorite Christmas songs are songs coming from Mary's point of view and put to words what she must have been thinking  My current favorite is "Born in Me" by Francisca Battistelli

"I'm just a girl, nothing more.  But I am willing, I am Yours!" 

 I know at 15 that was not my heart.  I was selfish.  And I know that if I knew that I was giving birth to a baby that I would have to watch be crucified......yeah I don't think I could do it.  Luke 2:19 "But Mary was keeping within herself all these things (sayings), weighing and pondering them in her heart."  Since I've had my own son, I cannot watch the passion of the Christ without becoming a blubbering mess.  Especially the scene where Jesus is carrying the cross and falls and she flashes back to him being a little boy and falling.  I can't imagine watching my son go through that.....even if he was saving mankind from hell!  I wonder if she was pondering the future that her son would face.  I wonder if she knew the profound impact He would have on the world. I am in complete awe of her willingness to serve her God despite how hard it must have been. I figured when I looked up the meaning of the name Mary it would mean something like blessed or divine... so I was a little shocked when I found that the name "Mary" means bitter, rebellion, or wished for a child.  Someone was way off on that!  First I don't think Mary was wishing for a child at 15 being unmarried and second I see nothing in Mary's life that suggests bitterness or rebellion.  If she was either God would not have used her.  In Mary I see strength and resolve.  I see complete abandonment of self and a heart that was willing at all costs to serve God.  I see the pure love of a mother for her son, and the indescribable love of a sinner for her Savior!

I want that heart!  We should all want the heart of Mary.  When God says, "Hey I know you're an unwed teen, but I want you to give birth to my son who will break every chain and set captives free, but I promise it will all be ok and you will change the world."  What would you say?  How would you feel?  Or when God says, "Hey I know you are about to go through grueling treatments, but I want you to WRITE!  And while you are writing I want you to keep your faith in Me and smile and encourage others.  I know people say you might die, but I promise it's going to be ok and you will walk in Victory over cancer."  What would you say? How would you feel?  I know what I said:

"I'm just a girl, nothing more.  But I am willing, I am Yours!"

If I hadn't there would have been no blog for these people to view 10,305 (as of the am) times.  I never ever would have thought that many people would care what I had to say......but God did!  Next time He calls on you remember that you may not know what he's doing, but neither did Mary.  And her willingness to serve God changed eternity for mankind.  :)

So honored!

Just wanted to say I am super honored to be on Ashley's blog today!  Thanks for taking the time to read my blog.....working on a new post tonight :-)