New Beginnings and the Chaos that follows

So it's been a crazy, crazy month.  Our visit with Kevin ended so sweet and peaceful  We had such a great day with him the next day.....it was much different than the day before with the key incident.  I finally received this picture in the mail from Kevin.  It was taken shortly before we left on Sunday afternoon.

Everyone keeps asking how he is....and well on average I'd say he's great considering the circumstances.  I mean he has bad days....and those honestly tend to correlate with the days that he is unable to work out.  That has become a big part of his life there.  It's how he releases frustration as well as builds relationships with other guys there.  Not to mention he's lost close to 20 lbs in 6 weeks.  Turns out that working out actually helps you lose weight......especially if you do it 2-4 hours a day in the blazing texas heat! Amazing right?  When he walked in on Saturday I remember thinking, "Man, he looks hot."  Anyone who's been married for over 5 years can understand that's not something women think about their spouses on a daily basis.  He's moved from a dorm unit into 2 man cells which he loves.  He can pray and study and read in peace.  Only catch is there is no air conditioning!  Yeah the average temperature this month has been eh around 98 or so.  Yeah um NO THANK YOU!  But Kevin never complains.  He's just grateful for the quiet.  It reminds me of this praise song I love and it says, "You are stillness, You are quiet, you are comfort and peace."  In the stillness and quiet, it's easier for him to get in God's presence, even if it's Texas hot!  

It's been a month of firsts for us.  We came home and had to get ready for the first day of school.  My baby started Kindergarten this year.  I have to say,  I pictured this day much different.  I've been dreading it since the day he was born.  I expected to drop him off and make it just outside of the building and be able to turn into Kevin's arms and completely fall apart.  But that is obviously not what happened.  The morning of I was completely prepared....which is so unlike me :)  

teacher gifts...check

hot breakfast.......check

1st day of school notes ........ check

We got ready to go and right as we're getting ready to pray (which is something we do everyday before school) the phone rang and my heart seriously lept.  All I wanted was for the kids to be able to talk to Kevin before they went to school.

This picture still brings tears to my eyes.  Kevin was able to talk to them and pray over them.  And there was nothing I wanted more than that.  So then we did what every family does on the first day of school....we took a ridiculous amount of pictures!

And then it was time.....it was time for me to walk out of an elementary school without a baby, toddler, or preschooler.  I teared up walking down the hall, but then I realized this is a new beginning.  We are entering a new stage of life and this is just one step closer to Kevin coming home.  We had plenty of breaking down lately and now it was time to stand up.  I went into the "tears and cheers" breakfast for the kinder parents, where I sat with my friend Jenny who had just buried her sister (who battled breast cancer) the day before.  Oh yeah wait....what was I crying for again?  I forgot.  Afterwards I walked out and got in my car and realized it was the first time I'd been alone since Aug 5. (except for a dentist appointment where I had about 10 minutes alone driving.) and I sat there and soaked in it for a while......then it was time for interviews.  Yup I had 5 interviews scheduled and you want to know how amazing God is???  I never sent out one resume.  Or even made one phone call for that matter.  It just so happened that I had 5 different companies try to recruit me right at the time that I needed a job.  That is the favor of God right there.....there's no other way around it.

My baby boy also started t-ball this month.  And as hard as it is to not have Kevin here to coach him, by the grace of God we were placed on a team with some amazing Godly men.   And I couldn't be more grateful for that.  In fact, I prayed for it!  And of course because life has become insanely crazy I decided to volunteer to be team mom!!!  I've concluded that the key to making time pass by quickly is to stay busy.  And I am completely in love with watching a bunch of 5 years olds attempt to play baseball.  It just makes my heart happy.  I mean how can you resist this??

Oh and then the first game.......I am seriously in love!  Look at this face!  How can you not love him??

We also got to meet my cousin's new baby and say goodbye to him.. He is our real life hero and is leaving on his first deployment in the next few days.  Prayers for safety for him and peace for his family would be much appreciated!

So after all the piano lessons. gymnastics classes, t-ball practices and games, homework, room-mom meetings, interviews, lunch dates.......the list goes on and on, I was seriously losing my mind.  And after the 2nd time having to wake kids up early to do homework that I overlooked I decided it was time for an intervention.  I had to get our lives all in one place.  Single moms, or any moms for that matter, take note of this.....it has become our command center and is working beautifully!  The kids put their papers for me to look at in the bottom folder for me so I don't have to dig through backpacks.  And our calendar is color coded.

So far it's working flawlessly.  Kevin still has no clue what I am talking about.......He's never seen this kind of organization from me before.  Pretty sure if he walked in and saw it, he'd have a coronary!

With all the firsts we have come across a lot of new people face to face.  Teachers, coaches, other moms, potential employers, classmates, ect....... and to be honest I have not been completely open with them about our situation.....it's just awkward you know?  I can't just lead with, "Hi I'm Nicole and my husband is the only dad who's not here because he's in prison for something that happened a long time ago when he was a completely different person!"  I think it would make everyone a little uncomfortable.  I'm beginning to understand the stigma behind why people hide this.  It's easy for me to sit here at my computer in my PJs and write about our story, but it's quite another to come out in a conversation and give them our testimony (plus I'd need a few hours just to cover the last 3 years).  It's just kind of heavy you know?  Is it bad that I just want to wear a sign that says, "Please read my blog www.whenispeakhisname.blogspot.com so that I can stop being vague about where my husband is?"  It would make my life so much easier!  I've seen this posted so many places and it is so profound! 

You never know what the mom or dad that you meet at t-ball practice, or at the room-mom meeting, or at the gymnastics class, or anywhere for that matter is facing at home on a daily basis.  We're all walking a different path....some are harder than others and some are for a season while others are life long.  We all have hills and valleys.  Being open enough for people to feel comfortable sharing their stories with me is something I pride myself in.  Take the time to be kind to someone today......you may be the one person they choose to let in.....and when people let you in, you have to opportunity to share with them.  I share how Christ has changed my life and how leaning on Him and Him alone can lift burdens and set captives free!  I challenge you to be that kind of light today.

I start my new job on Monday as a loan officer.  (Insert shameless plug:  If you live in Texas and are looking to buy a home or refinance your mortgage I'm your girl!  Seriously please contact me!)  Monday is my 30th birthday as well.  It's another day that I never thought I'd spend without Kevin.  In fact I had to call and order my own birthday cake today.  Our tradition is that you can have whatever you want for breakfast on your birthday and I always pick cake :)  I may not have Kevin this year but on the up side I have hair! :)

This was my last birthday.

  

It's funny how when you've survived cancer every birthday means so much more.  And this next weekend we're going to see Kevin so Happy Birthday to me! :)