I did not survive cancer!

So my head is spinning right now.  I know I have not updated my blog in a while and I can't tell you how many blog posts I have started and not finished...... But today is different.  I am sitting in my office at work right now with so much work to do, but I have to share this.

Just to catch everyone up, in case you don't follow me on Facebook, twitter, or instagram, I had my last chemo treatment on October 23, 2012.

It was really emotional for me.  I was both relieved and worried.....more relieved though.  My main worry was more about change......I'm a creature of habit......and yes I will admit, some those are bad habits.  But I hate change.  So of course cancer rocked my world but I quickly got into a comfort of chemo cycles.  The last 4 treatments were really rough.  I was so sick for the first week or two afterwards and would mostly just sleep....after throwing up here and there.  I would have memory lapses and even got to where I was unable to drive (especially after I hit 3 parked cars in my apartment complex.....totaling 2 of them and doing about $10,000 damage to my own car).  I would get these horrible thrush infections in my mouth that were almost unbearable.  It made my mouth raw.  But through all these awful side effects it never changed my determination.  With the odds being against me.....I never once considered that I would not beat this....and while I laying in bed.....I wasn't just laying there thinking, "Lord, why me?  I can't do this!"  It was more a righteous anger......"Cancer you suck and you will not stay in my body in Jesus name!  LEAVE NOW!"

I went to my follow up appointment with my oncologist today and she told me after looking at my scan they did to map my radiation.....she told me that she sees NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE IN MY BODY!  I couldn't believe it...... I didn't expect to hear that today. I thought it would be at least a few more months before we got this news.  But boy was it amazing to hear.  I already knew that the cancer was gone.....the same way I knew the lump I found was cancer, but it's always nice to have a doctor confirm what you know in your heart.  There is no other explanation as to why I am beating the odds other than Jesus heals!  He heals everyday.  Never through this process have I been mad at God.  He has been my Rock.  When I get scared, I trust in Him.  When I'm overcome by my circumstances I trust in Him.  He is my comfort.  He brings me that peace that makes no sense to the world.

So now I am officially a cancer survivor.....but I hate that term.  To survive means to remain alive or in existence   I am not just existing....I am LIVING.  I did not survive cancer.....I thrived through cancer.  I have come out the other end forever changed and there is nothing in me that remains the same.  God has shown me things through this that I'd never even thought about.  And ignited the desire to show these things to others.  I had a pastor speak a word over me a few weeks ago and he told me that THIS IS MY SEASON!  THAT THE THINGS I HAVE PRAYED FOR AND SOWN FOR ARE HERE.  So I am looking up now asking the Father to USE ME!  Let my light shine for You, Jesus, brighter than it ever has!  And let the enemy know that his attacks are pointless..... I will only shine BRIGHTER!  And I WILL ALWAYS CHOOSE LIFE!

So I did not survive cancer.....I demolished cancer, I beat the snot out of cancer, I have overcome cancer, I stood in FAITH through cancer, and by the grace of God, I THRIVED THROUGH CANCER!

My new friend Jeanine Phelps took these pictures for us and they will forever be precious to me.
Bella Jewel Photography  and the girls outfits were made by one of my very best friends Noelle Dixon....you can order them from her here: Glam R Baby.

How about some humble pie?

So I'm not going to lie, Round 2 has been hard.  I've been sick and cranky and tired, and in all honestly due to a lack of hormones in my body, I have been down right crazy!  And with those mood swings has come a sense of entitlement.  And when you let the devil "in" just a little it's amazing how fast he goes to work.  The saying, "Give him an inch and he'll take a mile," is a ridiculous understatement when we are referring to the enemy.  He doesn't come to mess with you a little, people; HE COME TO KILL, STEAL, AND DESTROY.  And boy he has been working hard these last three weeks at killing my joy, stealing my strength, and trying to destroy my testimony.  But I am so thankful for my pastor, who is led by the Holy Spirit to give me the TRUTH that is found in The Word of God.  Do you think it was a coincidence that our verse for the month of August is Romans 8:37 

Yeah it's not!  God knew I needed that so He gave it to my shepherd to give to me.  And He keeps giving it to me.....over and over.  He texts it out to me .... He comments on my fb posts.  When I am trying my hardest to tune out the Holy Spirit and throw myself a pitty party, my Shepherd is there watching out for my soul and I couldn't be more grateful for him and his amazing wife. 

#ADD of topic thought for this post--- I just encourage you to make sure that when you are sitting in a church that you are listening for the voice of your shepherd.  We don't need a church, we need a shepherd! Get into John 10:1-10.,   You don't need a church you need a Shepherd aka pastor!  Ok back to what I was talking about now....sorry I "squirreld" as I call it (watch Disney Pixar's movie "Up" and you will get it!)

So I've had my pastor building me up, but while he broke in and my attitude kinda started to change.....I was still holding on a little bit.  Then God said, "Ok time to come down to her to bring her back up to me."  I was contacted by a man that I knew when was little bitty......he was asking for help buying a home.  My aunt had told me that he had been battling cancer for a while, but was doing better.  As I started talking to him and he told me about a mass he had that was removed in July.  The good news is he is now cancer free.  The bad news is that the mass was removed from an area that allows him to not be able to sit down.  And the area where his mass was removed has to remain open to heal, and then they will do skin graphs to close it up.  So he literally has to lay down on his stomach ALL the time.  Yeah so what was I complaining about again?  He went on to tell me that I was very inspiring and I was taken back by his comments.

So Today I came into the infusion room for round 3 ready to rock it!  I was still a little grumpy, but was armed with a list of questions for my PA.  I was ready to stage a sit in in her office until she restored my sanity and my husband was all for it lol.  But of course she couldn't do that.  She answered my questions to the best of her ability and more or less said, "That's just how it is."  We had a little bit of a plan with some changes in medications which made me feel a little better, but I was still a little grumpy.

I sat down hoping to have someone next to me to chat with this time.  (The last 2 times the people next to me were much older and napped the whole time.)  A friendly guy sat down and was told his port wasn't working  so he would have to wait for chemo so he left.  Then a woman sat down next to me.  I'd seen her at least 3 times before in the waiting room and I knew she had breast cancer too since she wore a pink ribbon hat.  I automatically felt drawn to her the first time I saw her, but she always had friends with her.  I wondered if she was divorced since I never saw her husband with her.  But this time she was alone, so of course I seized the opportunity (those who know me, know I never turn down the chance to make a new friend!  Or at least have a conversation!)  Her name was Robbie-Sue and as she told me her story I was truly humbled.  She is stage 4 and has been battling this disease for a while now.  In the midst of her battle, she lost the love of her life, her husband, to liver cancer (could be wrong on that as my memory is horrible right now), but one thing I know......she loved that man with all her heart.  She has no family here, but a great support system in her neighborhood, but it's not the same as the man you love taking care of you.  Not to mention that when she was in the midst of her battle, she had to take care of him.  And still she has will to fight.  I looked over at my husband and he was choking back tears as was I.  I have it so easy compared to others!  One of my favorite sayings is, "It's impossible to be unhappy and grateful at the same time!"  I walked out of there truly blessed by her!  It's amazing how God can use anyone or anything to get our attention as long as we are open to receive it.  And sometimes he has to knock me over the head with it! :)  But thank God that his grace is sufficient! This is a great quote too, and so true no matter what you are facing!

She was a smart woman.  So what is your disposition today?  Are you choosing to be grateful for what you have?  Or unhappy because of what you don't?   It goes back to Choosing Life!  Round 3 or chemo all done and I left with a smile on my face, grateful for what I have!

Choices, choices......

So my favorite (and only) sister-in law posted on my fb the other day...one of her and my favorite sayings is "Choose Life!"  It's always been kinda cutesie and yes somewhat inspirational, but when actually faced with a disease that can lead to death.....the saying takes on a whole new meaning.

But if I'm being honest, the thought that I might die has never even made it into my thought library.  Not only do I choose to not entertain it, but I know what the Book of Life says in Psalm 91:15-16 "He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.  With long life will I satisfy him and show him My salvation."   I've heard many stories of people in my same situation that did not make it past the 5 year mark.  In Jesus name that is not me; it's seriously not even an option.

So now we look at this, "Choose Life" from a different perspective.  It's not just choosing to live or die for me.  For some people it is though, whether it's cancer, depression, drugs, alcohol, you name it.  My life has been touched by all of the above either directly or indirectly.  And I have been at that spot before where it was a choice between life and death, but that's a whole different post.  But if you are at that point you need to understand something that took me a long time really grasp onto....let's look at John 10:10 (in the Amplified version) The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows).  See Jesus came that we may have LIFE!  Not depression, addiction, sickness or disease.  And not only did he come so that we could have LIFE, but have it IN ABUNDANCE.  Abundance here means lacking nothing, to the full, till it overflows. 

So now, I have life, but how do I have it more abundantly?  I'll tell you how...... YOU CHOOSE IT BY FAITH!  Every morning I wake up and my flesh tries to tell me that I am tired, that I don't feel well, that I am sick.  And the enemy gets into my mind telling me that I have every reason to lay in bed for the next 3.5 months.  And to not to worry about missing church, not making it to work, missing random late night swimming trips with my kids.  But the second I let the Holy Spirit take over and I activate my faith and get up I realize how true the statement "THE DEVIL IS A LIAR!" really is!  You see, FAITH not only BELIEVES and SPEAKS, FAITH ACTS!  I can believe that my body is healed since that is what my Life Manual says, "But because of our sins he was wounded, beaten because of the evil we did. We are healed by the punishment he suffered, made whole by the blows he received." Isaiah 53:5 GNT.  I can even say that I am healed and that the side effects of these treatments will not touch me (or in this case write about it)  BUT UNTIL I GET OFF MY BUTT AND ACT ON THAT BELIEF AND CONFESSION, MY FAITH IS DEAD!  For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also. James 2:26 (NKJV)  

I choose to not listen my body.  I choose a more abundant life. I choose to get up and praise God and get fed with the Word at church.  I choose to get up and go help people achieve their goals of home ownership at work.  I choose to get out of bed and go swimming with my family at 9:30p.m. just for fun.  To listen to my kids laughter and live in the Joy of the Lord.  I choose a life that is lacking nothing, a life of fullness, I choose life overflowing! Cancer or no cancer, I not only choose life, I choose life more abundantly!

So what do you choose??

Chemo- Round 1 goes to Me!

So you hear the word chemo and you cringe.  I always go back to the scene in the movie, Stepmom, with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon, where the mom (Susan Sarandon) is carrying the laundry basket and has to drop it to run and puke.  Then she has to call and have the "step-mom" (Julia Roberts) to pick up her kids.  Then out of frustration she throws the phone and then the laundry.  It is literally poison running through your body attempting to kill everything it possibly can.

So the day we anticipated for months comes.....Kevin and I are driving to the clinic and this song makes us both burst into tears.  The lyric, "Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son
Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"  I am redeemed, You set me free!" just rang so true for me. 

I had to remind myself to stop preparing for a fight.  It's funny to me that chemo schedules are referred to as rounds.  You say "round one"......you think boxing, fighting, gloves, big sweaty men.....eww kinda gross lol.  Or I get these pictures in my head that are specific to breast cancer that say "Fight like a girl" with the pink boxing gloves (not so gross).  There is a fight going on, but it's not what we think......this is what my Life Manual says:

So there are battles going on but if we can just remember that Jesus ALREADY WON!  I mean seriously how amazing is that.

Ok more about that in a minute with my ADD self.  We made it to the clinic, joined together in prayer, and headed on in.  So on July 2, 2012 I was administered round one of TAC (which stands for the 3 drugs that I am given: taxotere, adriamycin and cyclophosphamide).  It was nice and peaceful and quiet in the infusion room.....as all the old people around me were napping lol.

And they give you warm blankets.....ohhhh how I love a toasty blanket!  So I just relaxed and listened to some praise music and caught up on some tv.....the internet is a wonderful thing when used to defeat boredom!  I even got a foot rub out of the whole deal.....notice the look on Kevin's face! hehe!

He's so funny, and I just love his heart!  The nurse came over as we were finishing up and told me that I would be very nauseated and would have some vomiting going on the next couple of days, so to make sure and take the anti-nausea medicine they gave me.  And my precious husband looked her square in the face and said, "Nope she won't won't have that, in Jesus name!"  The nurse looked a little confused and said, "Um ok well if she does...."  Kevin again interjected, "She won't!"  The nurse looked at me, and I smiled politely at her. "Ok, well you are ready to go." she said in defeat I guess.  1 Cor. 1:18 says, "The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God."  And that has never been more evident to me!  We went and ate a huge lunch at P.F. Changs (oh so yummy) and I went home and now over 2 weeks later, I have not vomited one time!  I haven't even felt like throwing up! Praise Jesus!  See that's what God does! 

Now I'm not going to pretend like it has been all bunny rabbits and sunshine....not sure why I say bunny rabbits b/c we've had them before and while they are super sweet and cute they are really messy and poop A LOT, but you get where I am going.  I have been tired and achy which = grumpy for me.  I had a fever one week after my treatment and ended up back at the doctor.  But again my husband kept telling me I was healed.  And I'm not going to lie.....I felt like throwing something really hard at him!  But that's why God put us together, because when my faith is weak his is strong and vice versa!  I went in expecting my white blood cell count to be super low and end up in the hospital, but the nurse came back in and was confused since my counts were still in the normal range, which is not at all "normal" for a chemo patient.  She chalked it up to me being so young, but I know that is my God!  I love being the patient that confuses medical professionals.  Modern day miracles are still going on all around us and our heads try to explain them away, but God is they only explanation!  Come on people open your eyes and hearts and stop trying to reason God's miracles away! 

Around the end of week 2 my hair started to fall out......first just a little, which honestly made my hair more manageable since I have so much of it.  I had already decided that I wanted to shave it when it started getting out of control.  This to me was not at all an emotional thing.  I am not defined by what I look like, whether or not I have breasts or hair, or legs or arms, or anything else for that matter.  I know who I am in Christ.

And secretly I am one of those weird girls who looked at Demi Moore and Natalie Portman and said, "Man I wish I could do that!"  So once the shedding began I was ready!

So off came the ponytail!

And Here was the final result and I love it!

And with that I challenged my brother with the task of coming up with the best bald jokes he had and here is what I got:

Here you go Nicole Jasien. I love you.

TOP 10 REASONS CHEMO-INDUCED BALDNESS IS AWESOME>

#10: Blond jokes no longer apply to you.
#9: Increased aerodynamics. (important for runners, sky divers, swimmers human projectiles)
#8: You can finally drive your convertible to work. (no more 'wind-tunnel' hair-dos)
#7: You've got a blank canvas for new tattoos.
#6: You're now ready to audition for the Blue Man Group.
#5: Time to get a new driver's license...Hair Color: Invisible. (see how that one goes over with the cop the next time you're pulled over)
#4: Think of the money you'll save...no more barber/hairdresser, shampoo, hairspray, dandruff medication, hair dye, etc.
#3: Everyone knows that bald people make better lovers. (and if they don't, perhaps it's time that you showed them)
(That one was for Big Kev)
#2: It distracts attention from your face. (alright, that was completely uncalled for and I'm sorry)

And the #1 reason that chemo-induced baldness is awesome-

BALD=SEXY (just look at Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel, Natalie Portman and Britney Spears...ok, she's hot in a bald and crazy kind of way)