Cereal and Church

So normally right now Kevin and I are plopped on the couch playing footsie and watching whichever TV series we've found on Netflix (we were watching 24).  We would have come home from church together and prayed over our kids before we put them to bed.  I'm doing all of those things without him tonight......except the footsie.....the dogs just bite my toes.  Church was hard for me tonight.  During the last couple of days it's been easy to just pretend life is normal and Kevin is at work.  His stuff is still everywhere. I just stay busy and have fun with the kids and it seems like any other day.  I was folding his clean laundry today and I thought, "What am I supposed to do with this?....do I just leave it there?  Do I pack it away?  Do I donate it?"  I know he's coming back, but in his words he's going to come home "looking like Brad Pitt in Troy".  So if he does that none of his clothes will fit him.  I think I'll stick with denial and just put them up like he's going to ask me where is basketball shorts are when he gets home.  Probably not the best way to deal, but we've got time to address that.  

Church was hard for me tonight because that is the place that our family is always together.  I rarely ever went to church without him.  Even Jacob forgot for a brief second and asked where Daddy was and I think the look on my face must have reminded him because before I could answer he said, "Oh yeah" and ran off to play.  But sitting in that sanctuary I realized there were very few times that I would look up from prayer and not see this:

The man loves being at the alter of God.  And it's nothing short of a miracle to see him there.  I got a few emails from him today.  He sounds good!  I didn't get to ask him all the questions I wanted but hopefully he will call me soon.  I did ask if he'd met the chaplain yet and he told me the chapel had not been open, but he said he's had lots of time to read and pray.  So that's good.  I can't wait to hear his voice.

So as hard as it was to be at church tonight I would not have missed it for the world.  And like He always does, the Lord had a great word for me tonight that came from the same man that Kevin went to lunch with instead of filing our divorce decree. (our pastor is in Texarkana tonight at a conference and is trying to get in touch with the chaplain at the prison to get into see Kevin tomorrow...so please pray that he is able to do that).  He reminded me of this verse: 

How powerful is that!  I felt His presence tonight.  I feel it all the time, but it was strong tonight.  All I've been praying for for weeks now is strength..... and as soon as I heard this verse my mind immediately went to this popular verse.....ok actually it went to the Twila Paris song (you know the contemporary christian song of the 90's) but the song is based off this verse:

(Random thought: How did people blog before being able to find cute pics on pinterest? )

Cue the light bulb moment!  Ok so Lord let me get this straight......if I get in Your presence I can have fullness of JOY and that JOY is my STRENGTH.......So if I want strength to get through the day I need to get in Your presence???  I can see God on his throne smacking His forehead saying, "By George I think she's got it!"  I've gotten so many amazing messages in the last 24 hours. saying what an inspiration I am and how strong I am, and while y'all know how to make a girl feel good, the truth is I am not any of those things without HIM.  It is only through Him that I have walked through being married to an addict, through domestic abuse, through cancer, and it's the only way I will be able to walk through this.  It's not always easy to lay things at the feet of the Lord and walk away from them.  I told a friend last night that sometimes I try to tiptoe back and just grab a few of the minor things.  But when we are able to lay our battles down at the feet of Jesus, we can truly start experiencing His presence.  And in that presence we find joy which is our strength.  I should be a mess right now.....I should be hiding in my house in my PJ's with a box of kleenex and my kids running around like rabid monkeys.  But instead we are living life with Joy!  I mean look how excited my kids are to get to eat breakfast cereal again! (Kevin thinks that cereal is too expensive because we eat it too fast......I think I love cereal and so do the kids and I will pay for the convenience of sleeping an extra 20 minutes....Love you honey!)

Jake gets very serious about cereal selection.....and Mom even let them get boxes instead of the malt-o-meal bags!  Score!  See it all goes back to Choosing Life......I will choose to wake up and get in the presence of the Lord....even if I have to lock myself in the bathroom to do it (moms you feel me on this one right?). I will choose Joy when I feel like crying.  I will choose Life and Life more abundantly because that is why my Jesus came (John 10:10), so that I can have that!  He came so that you can have that too!  

All you have to do is make the choice :)

10,000 and the Virgin Mary

So my blog hit 10,000 views a few days ago! It seriously blows my mind! I know that's not necessarily 10,000 people but it still has to be a lot! A lot of those views are thanks to Ashley Hacksaw over at Lil blue boo and this post about hair loss. It's really exciting, and I hope in some way my story is blessing you!

Back in December of last year my pastor announced that at the end of the year we would be fasting and seeking God for goals for 2012. I'm going to be honest here.... I love food! So fasting did not sound like my idea of bringing in the new year!  But hey if God could tell me what was up for a new year I figured it was worth it.  I did sun up to sun down fasting for 3 days, which means basically I ate breakfast and dinner and did water during the day.  It was not easy, but when your stomach starts to ache....it's an instant reminder to get into prayer!  And I kid you not I heard Him....The first couple of things were easy and clear!  But then it started to get a little fuzzy and I thought I heard the word "Write".  I really didn't understand, but I did what my pastor said and wrote it down.....but I put a question mark by it.  I just didn't understand what in the heck He wanted me to write.......My first thought was music since I play the guitar and have really been wanting to try writing a song.  But that's not what God had planned.  The fist and only time so far I feel like I really heard an audible voice from God was on May 16, 2012 during our normal pre-service prayer time.  I had recieved my cancer diagnosis 2 days earlier and still just felt at peace.  I wasn't up at the alter blubbering asking God why this was happening.....I was asking God to show me how to glorify Him through this journey.  AND CLEAR AS DAY I HEARD HIM SAY THE WORD "WRITE"!  It starteled me to the point that I looked up to see if there was someone in front of me.  My pastor was up on stage praying but was not looking at me and had not said anything.  For some reason, I thought to myself, "I need to remember that this song ( When I speak Your name by Christ for the Nations was playing at the time) is playing right now."  I bowed my head and heard it again "WRITE" and instantly I saw a blog in my head.  And then I heard Him say, "And this is what you are going to call it" as Elizabeth Clark belted out, "I say Your Name, I speak Your name, There's power in the name of Jesus!"  And then like Joey on friends I had that "Oh Ok I get it " moment as my head flashed back to this piece of paper taped in the front of my Bible.

Subject Change......don't worry I'm going to tie this together at the end.....I promise this is not my ADD kicking in!

So I love Christmas time...everything about it.  Since I've become a mom, I've been fascinated by the Virgin Mary (the mother of Jesus).  I remember being 15 and thinking about what I would do if an angel came and told me I was pregnant.....I don't think I would have been as willing as Mary was.  I know she must have struggled, but to be chosen by God must have been humbling.  Some of my favorite Christmas songs are songs coming from Mary's point of view and put to words what she must have been thinking  My current favorite is "Born in Me" by Francisca Battistelli

"I'm just a girl, nothing more.  But I am willing, I am Yours!" 

 I know at 15 that was not my heart.  I was selfish.  And I know that if I knew that I was giving birth to a baby that I would have to watch be crucified......yeah I don't think I could do it.  Luke 2:19 "But Mary was keeping within herself all these things (sayings), weighing and pondering them in her heart."  Since I've had my own son, I cannot watch the passion of the Christ without becoming a blubbering mess.  Especially the scene where Jesus is carrying the cross and falls and she flashes back to him being a little boy and falling.  I can't imagine watching my son go through that.....even if he was saving mankind from hell!  I wonder if she was pondering the future that her son would face.  I wonder if she knew the profound impact He would have on the world. I am in complete awe of her willingness to serve her God despite how hard it must have been. I figured when I looked up the meaning of the name Mary it would mean something like blessed or divine... so I was a little shocked when I found that the name "Mary" means bitter, rebellion, or wished for a child.  Someone was way off on that!  First I don't think Mary was wishing for a child at 15 being unmarried and second I see nothing in Mary's life that suggests bitterness or rebellion.  If she was either God would not have used her.  In Mary I see strength and resolve.  I see complete abandonment of self and a heart that was willing at all costs to serve God.  I see the pure love of a mother for her son, and the indescribable love of a sinner for her Savior!

I want that heart!  We should all want the heart of Mary.  When God says, "Hey I know you're an unwed teen, but I want you to give birth to my son who will break every chain and set captives free, but I promise it will all be ok and you will change the world."  What would you say?  How would you feel?  Or when God says, "Hey I know you are about to go through grueling treatments, but I want you to WRITE!  And while you are writing I want you to keep your faith in Me and smile and encourage others.  I know people say you might die, but I promise it's going to be ok and you will walk in Victory over cancer."  What would you say? How would you feel?  I know what I said:

"I'm just a girl, nothing more.  But I am willing, I am Yours!"

If I hadn't there would have been no blog for these people to view 10,305 (as of the am) times.  I never ever would have thought that many people would care what I had to say......but God did!  Next time He calls on you remember that you may not know what he's doing, but neither did Mary.  And her willingness to serve God changed eternity for mankind.  :)

Choices, choices......

So my favorite (and only) sister-in law posted on my fb the other day...one of her and my favorite sayings is "Choose Life!"  It's always been kinda cutesie and yes somewhat inspirational, but when actually faced with a disease that can lead to death.....the saying takes on a whole new meaning.

But if I'm being honest, the thought that I might die has never even made it into my thought library.  Not only do I choose to not entertain it, but I know what the Book of Life says in Psalm 91:15-16 "He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.  With long life will I satisfy him and show him My salvation."   I've heard many stories of people in my same situation that did not make it past the 5 year mark.  In Jesus name that is not me; it's seriously not even an option.

So now we look at this, "Choose Life" from a different perspective.  It's not just choosing to live or die for me.  For some people it is though, whether it's cancer, depression, drugs, alcohol, you name it.  My life has been touched by all of the above either directly or indirectly.  And I have been at that spot before where it was a choice between life and death, but that's a whole different post.  But if you are at that point you need to understand something that took me a long time really grasp onto....let's look at John 10:10 (in the Amplified version) The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows).  See Jesus came that we may have LIFE!  Not depression, addiction, sickness or disease.  And not only did he come so that we could have LIFE, but have it IN ABUNDANCE.  Abundance here means lacking nothing, to the full, till it overflows. 

So now, I have life, but how do I have it more abundantly?  I'll tell you how...... YOU CHOOSE IT BY FAITH!  Every morning I wake up and my flesh tries to tell me that I am tired, that I don't feel well, that I am sick.  And the enemy gets into my mind telling me that I have every reason to lay in bed for the next 3.5 months.  And to not to worry about missing church, not making it to work, missing random late night swimming trips with my kids.  But the second I let the Holy Spirit take over and I activate my faith and get up I realize how true the statement "THE DEVIL IS A LIAR!" really is!  You see, FAITH not only BELIEVES and SPEAKS, FAITH ACTS!  I can believe that my body is healed since that is what my Life Manual says, "But because of our sins he was wounded, beaten because of the evil we did. We are healed by the punishment he suffered, made whole by the blows he received." Isaiah 53:5 GNT.  I can even say that I am healed and that the side effects of these treatments will not touch me (or in this case write about it)  BUT UNTIL I GET OFF MY BUTT AND ACT ON THAT BELIEF AND CONFESSION, MY FAITH IS DEAD!  For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also. James 2:26 (NKJV)  

I choose to not listen my body.  I choose a more abundant life. I choose to get up and praise God and get fed with the Word at church.  I choose to get up and go help people achieve their goals of home ownership at work.  I choose to get out of bed and go swimming with my family at 9:30p.m. just for fun.  To listen to my kids laughter and live in the Joy of the Lord.  I choose a life that is lacking nothing, a life of fullness, I choose life overflowing! Cancer or no cancer, I not only choose life, I choose life more abundantly!

So what do you choose??