The Battlefield

I love driving.  Driving long distances especially.  For some reason my mind gets quiet and I am able to really think about stuff.  It doesn't even matter if my kids are in the car, for some reason, in the car, I can completely tune them out.  And if you've ever met my kids you'd know what a challenge that is.  For the last 2 weeks we have been doing a lot of driving.  Our church has a campus out in Granbury, TX and for the last 2 weeks we've been having a revival service every night at 7pm.  We've been able to make it to at least half of them.  It's about 1.5 hours from our house which makes it a 3 hour round trip, but man these meetings have been sooooo powerful.  And I love the drive home....it's dark and in the country it's really dark. I've figured out that turning up worship music really loud deters my kids from talking.....it just takes too much effort to yell over the music.  And when my kids get quiet at night this is what ends up happening.

Do you hear that?  Yeah me either!  Sweet silence!

I hear God speak to me when things are so still and my natural mind is occupied with driving.  I talk to him and just soak up His presence. Tonight's drive home was not one of those nights.  

The last 17 days have been a roller coaster.  Some days I feel so strong, like I can do this, and then like a tsunami, a huge wave of sadness will hit out of nowhere.  And it will engulf me....... my entire countenance will change and I am humbly reminded that I can not do this without God.  There have been a few days where I have honestly wallowed in that sadness.  I know some of you are thinking, "Well, I mean you deserve a day here and there to just feel sad.  It's okay!"  And I too have embraced that thinking a few times.  In fact I completely embraced it yesterday and that kind of thinking could not be more wrong. I have seen the result of it.  It's like opening a door and inviting satan to sit down for dinner for some civilized conversation (except nothing satan does is "civilized").  Before I knew it I was thinking things like, "I can't do this!  My kids are going to be so messed up!  Who cares if I miss church, I mean everyone knows that I have my hands full.  No one will probably even notice.  No one cares about us.  We are all alone in this.  What if everything I believe is wrong?  Maybe my church is too extreme.... I mean we are there ALL the time."  Yes ALL OF THAT FROM HAVING ONE DAY OF "DESERVED" SADNESS.  Those are all LIES straight from satan's lips into my mind.  Do you know how I know that those are lies?  Because they are completely contrary to the Word of God.  And I also got these two text messages:

Praise God for friends who hunt you down and then love you enough to tell you the TRUTH.  All of a sudden, it was like the lights turned on.  And I started to see the real battle that was going on.  Seriously.....a battle.  I'm sure you've heard the term "the battlefield of the mind."  Let me tell you, that is no joke and it's Biblical!

This picture accurately depicts what is going on all the time and we have no clue.  All day and all night this goes on......a whole other realm that we can not see.  I remember being a little girl, maybe 9 or 10, and my mom reading Frank Peretti's This Present Darkness to the whole family on a road trip.  I had no clue what she was talking about.....sounded like a bunch of craziness out of a rated R movie to me.  Angels and Demons at war and I can't see them?  Yeah Mom you're nuts!  But as an adult I know now that this was not just a fictional book.....it's a reality in my life and in yours too.

Let me tell you satan does NOT discriminate.  He doesn't care who you are!  He doesn't mind if you are a 9 year old little girl.  Taylor has broken down multiple times in tears.  And I feel like my heart is being ripped out every time it happens.  The Sunday morning before Kevin left, Taylor got really upset in Sunday School.  Kevin was paged to go get her (I was on stage with the praise and worship team) and I watched my amazing husband walk my sweet baby girl down to the altar and they both got on their knees before God.  He told her that this is where we take our sadness.  We take it straight to God and we leave it at His feet and we take His peace back with us.  It was overwhelming to watch.  I don't even know why I thought I could sing that morning....I was a blubbering mess.  But his words to her are so right.  So when she breaks down I remind her what her Daddy told her.  And tonight I took a break from singing on stage and walked down to the altar with her and left my sadness there too.  

On the way home we were chatting and I had some praise music going, just having a that sweet quality time together.  We even pulled over and took a picture of the moon with our new camera that we bought today.

And then out of nowhere WHAM!  Kayden bursts into tears (the devil doesn't care if you are 7 either).  My initial reaction is to think she is hurt.....because she is full on sobbing.  Then it comes, "I miss Daddy.  He's not going to be home for so long."  At first I tried reasoning in the natural with her.  I said, "But Kayden we get to go see him in 2 days!"  And I got the "I know, but......"  I got that response a couple of times with different reasons as to why what I was saying was not making her feel better.  This went on for a good while.  And then I began to recognize those responses from the reasoning I was doing in my head yesterday and a righteous anger rose up in me like a pot boiling over. Satan WILL NOT have my family!

And never underestimate the power of a mother armed with the name of Jesus!!  I grabbed her little hand and I said, "Did you know that you can give that sadness to God and he will give you joy for it?" Between sobs she said, "But I don't know how to do that."  So I asked her if she wanted me to show her and she said yes.  So I prayed over that little girl.  I prayed the peace of God that suprasses all understnading would cover her.  I prayed that the sadness would cease and that in the name of Jesus, satan had no right to her.  I prayed that she would feel the arms of Jesus wrapped around her and that He would fill her heart with joy.  And I prayed all of these things in the name of Jesus and I told her I loved her.  And I turned the worship music up, way up.  I just wanted so badly to punch someone.....specifically the thing that was messing with my baby.  But we can't battle that way in this realm (which is really frustrating sometimes).  I kept praying for her and prayed in the spirit (yes I'm one of those) under the sound of the blasting music.  And about 3 minutes later I hear her say, "Mommy?"  I reluctantly turned down the music, "Yes Kayden." I answered.  And I kid you not this is what came out of her mouth, "Do you think Ms. Meagan (our worship leader and one of my best friends) would ever sing Taylor Swift songs?"  I laughed and told her, "Not even if someone was holding a gun to her head."  And in my mind.....my battlefield I said, "Take that Satan!"  I turned the music back up and she peacefully drifted to sleep.  And a word that the Lord had given me through our guest speaker, Tim Grisham, came rushing back to me. 

Photo by Jeremy Spears

 The Lord had said that I was anointed for this time, and there are times where I won't feel anointed but HE who lives in me is, and His anointing will overflow into me.    He said that things didn't have to be this way but because they are that I would experience a greater intimacy with Him than I've ever known.  And man did these words come to fruition tonight.   

It doesn't matter what emotion we are holding onto: anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, sadness, jealousy, hatred....ect.  They are all an open door to the enemy.  And when he sees an opportunity, don't be mistaken, he will take it!  We have to know how to deal with these battles.  Before tonight I kept telling my friends that I am just having a hard time figuring out what to do with this sadness.  Good grief.....I had the answer the whole time.  I was even telling my daughter what to do and still scratching my head trying to figure it out. We take those feelings and lay them at the feet of Jesus......even if we have to do it every day, every hour, or every minute.  We use the name of Jesus to cast down those thoughts and bring them into obedience to the word of God! 2 Cor 10:5 in the message says :We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ."  I love that!  Loose thoughts and emotions....boy we've had lots of those lately but praise God that we know what to do with them.

We will be heading up to Texarkana early Saturday morning to visit Kevin.  We would appreciate if you would be lifting us up in prayer at that time as I know it will be a little scary for the kids the first time.  Kevin is doing really good!  He's found solace in working out (which in the 11 years I've known him I've never seen him touch a weight let alone lift it).  We get to email 2-3 times a day which has been such a blessing and He's been able to call 3 or 4 times so far and it's so nice to get to hear his voice.   He found out a group of inmates meet on the yard every Sunday morning and take turns preaching and he said this Sunday was great!  He should be able to take a turn preaching one Sunday.  It gets me all giddy at 1:30am just thinking about that man preaching in that place!  The Holy Spirit is about to show up in a BIG WAY!  He already is here :)

Came across this in Kevin's notebook the other day!

The Worst Moment of My Life

I don't even know where to begin this post. I've already written and deleted it twice. I know those of you who are Facebook friends may have figured out that there is something going on in my life right now. And you're right. But let me just put to rest the fear..... I am still cancer free and am staying that way.  But my family is in the midst of a storm. 

I've gone back and forth on whether to go public with this, but those who know me know that secrets are not in my dna. I am the most open person you will ever meet.... Sometimes to my detriment. But it's just how God made me.  And we intend to glorify God in every circumstance. So I hope you'll walk this journey with us and be blessed by it.

On April 12, 2013 I sat next to my pastor and one of my very best friends in a federal courtroom in Sherman, TX and listened as a judge sentenced my husband to 5 years in a federal correction institution.  She gave him the maximum time she was able to and I am convinced that if she could have she would have given him more time. I remember not being able to breathe and then I lost it. I mean really lost it to the point that they removed me from the courtroom.  I couldn't believe that this was happening. The guy who committed those white collar crimes 8 years ago was dead. This man that sat before that judge was a different person. She didn't even look at him.... She just looked at what she saw on paper. And on paper my husband looks like a career criminal with a horrible drug problem. And up until about 2.5 years ago that would have been exactly right.

From the moment I met Kevin he struggled with addiction. For a long time I thought I could help him. I stayed through the most miserable of circumstances. There were times when we were completely broke. Like no gas in the tank and no milk in the fridge broke. And my husband's first priority still was getting high. There were times when  he would get violent towards me. He would be on the brink of insanity.  I would leave him for a few weeks/ months, but he would suck me back in promising changes he had absolutely no intention of following through with. And I fell for it every time.  He would pacify me by going to rehab only to come out stay clean for a few months and then go right back to it.  Or if he would stay clean, he would start gambling, like serious gambling.  He'd drive to the casinos in Oklahoma and I wouldn't hear from him for hours, sometimes days. I got used to being a single mom. Most days I had no clue where he was, what he was doing, or if he was coming home. And honestly most days I didn't care. As long as my kids had the things they needed and we were together we were okay. I did attempt to blog about my life then (www.notsoaveragesuburbanlife.blogspot.com) but it was really difficult. Mainly because it took everything in me to keep it together and there wasn't much left in me at the end of the day.  There were points where I knew he was doing things that were illegal, but it was so much easier to look the other way.  But it ate away at my soul.  I started to find refuge in God at that point in my life.  I remember being at my church in Frisco, TX in 2008 and hearing the Lord for the first time in a long long time.  And I seriously questioned my own sanity when I heard what He said.  He told me that my husband would be a mighty man of God and together we would change lives and help set people free by sharing our story.  I remember laughing internally.  I thought, "Maybe God meant my next husband because there was no way I can continue life like this for much longer".    (I never realized how much this story sounds like that of Sarah when God told her she would have a child.)  But He told me to remain faithful and continue to stand in the gap for my husband and that my faithfulness would be rewarded.  I reluctantly agreed, and my faith began building.  I remember laying hands on him while he was sleeping and praying over him.  When he would start acting crazy I would just start praying.  And he would mock me and tell me that prayer doesn't do anything.  And to be honest, I questioned it a few times myself.  I would start to see a change in him, a step forward, only to watch him give up and take two steps back.  We moved out to the country to live with his dad because we were so broke at one point.  Let me tell you something.......you want to test your faith???  Move out to the middle of nowhere to live in a travel trailer with 3 kids under the age of 6, 5 cats, and a rabbit.

Yeah not going to lie....it shook my faith a little.  It shook it even more when Kevin relapsed again.  I mean we are living in a travel trailer....like an RV! I just got to the point that I was ready to let it all go.  And I prayed and prayed about it.  And I felt peace about leaving.   I was grieved, but knew it was what was best for the kids and I.  I had a cousin offer to let us live with her and I still don't think she has any idea of what that act of kindness has done for my family.  I thought it was the end......the end of our family, the end of my hope for our future.  When I think about this time I always go back to Proverbs 16:9.

God was directing my steps when I thought he had failed me.  I just didn't understand why God didn't "fix" my husband.  I was faithful and I stood in the gap.  If this was the reward I wasn't sure I wanted to follow this God anymore. Little did I know that God was beginning a work that is nothing short of a miracle in Kevin's life.  All of sudden everything he knew was gone.  He didn't have me in the background cleaning up his messes or taking care of the day to day things.  He didn't have his kids.  He didn't even have a place to live.  He was sleeping on his dad's couch driving his dad's car.  And he finally hit a place where he knew that if something didn't change he was going to die.  He hit his knees and cried out to God.  And God showed up in his life in a mighty way.  On April 17, 2011 with the help of his manager of all people (who was a former addict and ended up being his sponsor) Kevin walked into a Narcotics Anonymous  meeting with a sincere desire to change his life.  Even though this was everything I wanted from him, I was a complete skeptic.  I had a right to be that way.  I'd seen this from him so many times only to have my heart crushed when he would relapse.  As I ran further away from God, Kevin ran closer to Him.  He was at church anytime the church doors were open.  The Pastor of that church in Seagoville, TX is like a second father to Kevin.  He never gave up on him when everyone else did.  He showed Kevin what the love of Christ really was and it changed his life.  Kevin began to realize how much of his own kid's lives that he had missed.  He moved to a sober house in Lewisville to be closer to the kids and I let him spend time with them.  He eventually moved out to Roanoke, TX to help "co-parent" our kids.  I remember being relieved when he stayed sober and was able to help with the kids.  I watched him be the kind of Daddy I always wanted for my kids and all of a sudden I started to get angry.  Mainly angry at God.  I remember thinking, "Seriously God?  Now you're going to "fix" him?  Now that we're not together anymore.... That is a bunch of  bull!" (I'm pretty sure there were some curse words added in there, but I figured I'd skip that.) And I let that anger boil and fester and drive me further and further away from God.  I let Kevin have the kids on Wednesday nights because I wanted them to go to church, but I didn't want to take them.  I had them every other Sunday, but we jumped from church to church so I didn't have to really commit.   But I still felt the Lord tugging at my heart every time I walked into His house.  Kevin came with me a few times since we wanted the kids to go to the same church every weekend.  But he knew that's not where he was supposed to be.  He ended up finding this tiny little church in a shopping strip, and he knew right away this was his home.  He kept inviting me to come and in my stubborn anger I kept saying no. At this point divorce papers were filed and ready to be finalized and we had both been dating other people.  It looked hopeless that our family would ever be reunited.  But he finally wore me down and I reluctantly agreed to go to church with him one Wednesday night.  I had ATTITUDE written all over me when I walked in that sanctuary.  It was way too small for me to just blend into the crowd.  Praise and worship started (which has always been "my thing") and this beautiful blonde woman got up and started singing to tracks....like there were no instruments.  I kept thinking, "This place is a joke, this is like karaoke God style."  And then all of a sudden the spirit of God came on me...like smacked me right in the face.  And I fought it with everything I had in me.  I crossed my arms and tried to close it off, but it didn't work.  He was there and I couldn't deny it.  I left that night feeling confused and wondering if I was making the right decisions.  I decided to grab back on to that anger because I'd been here before and the bottom always fell out.  I couldn't go through all that again.  I pushed Kevin to finalize our divorce.  I signed the final divorce decree and left it up to him to file it.  And I made it easy for him to want to.  He went to lunch with a guy from his church who told him a story about his own marriage and how God had restored what he thought was beyond repair.  Kevin was supposed to be filing our final divorce decree that day, but he called me and asked if I would be willing to go see his pastor with him just as a last ditch effort.  I reluctantly agreed.  That was one of the best decisions I've ever made.  We sat in this man's office and I shared with him my anger towards God and how I just didn't get it and he said something to me that I will never forget.  He said, "Nicole, God didn't let you down.  Kevin did.  God can't control the choices of a man."  Tears streamed down my face and right there that anger lifted and I felt a hunger for God like I've never known.  In the next 6 weeks we sat in OUR pastor's office and learned what the Bible says a husband and a wife are supposed to be to each other.  We learned things we'd never known and we fell in love, maybe for the first time.  I met a new person and I realized that the old Kevin I knew was gone.  It wasn't all easy.  We both had to make adjustments and we dealt with some backlash from our families.  They only knew the old Kevin.    In our last counseling session our pastor gave us a warning that was NO JOKE!  He said, "The last thing Satan wants is for your family to be restored.  He will go on attack.  You need to be prepared to go to battle."  We had no idea what we were in store for.

A few months after that day Kevin received a call from his attorney telling him that the federal prosecutor was filing an indictment.  We knew that Kevin had been investigated, but we thought the statute of limitations had expired since the crime (official charge was conspiracy to commit wire fraud, although they never charged anyone else so it was a one man conspiracy) had been committed over 5 years ago.  Apparently President Obama had decided to extend that statute.  And since Kevin had gone in and cooperated with the FBI there was no chance that he would not be sentenced.  And the truth was that he was guilty.   We were told we'd have 6-12 months before his sentencing hearing.  It was quite a blow.  But we were both calm.  We knew we had some time.  We weren't going to let this deter us.  We continued to stay in the word and we continued to go to church.  Two weeks after we got the phone call from Kevin's attorney, I was diagnosed with stage 3c breast cancer.  And well my blog chronicles that story.  We had plenty of time to make a plan and Kevin did a great job of making sure the kids and I are well taken care of while he is gone.

Looking back I see how God moved in so many ways that made no sense at the time.  I know that is what is happening right now.   

Yesterday, August 5th, Kevin reported to FCI Texarkana.  It was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life and I've beat cancer.  We intended on leaving the kids with a friend, but as soon as we got in the car both of our girls started to break down.  I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.  We asked them if they wanted to go with us and they said yes.  We made the 3 hour drive together laughing and talking.  It was such a sweet time together.  I'll never forget it.  We decided to go to lunch at one of Kevin's favorite places.....Golden Corral.   With full bellies, we asked a stranger to take our last family picture.

Not sure what's going on with Jake's face there, but I still cherish this picture.  We drove him to the facility.  I felt like my heart was being ripped in two as we pulled up and I'm not going to lie... My self ccontrol was hanging by a tiny thread. We got out of the car and he prayed over each of us and the tears flowed.  We said our final goodbyes and watched him walk into a 12 foot double barbed wire fence.  I walked my 3 hysterical children back to the car.  Walking those 40 feet back to my car was the worst moment of my life thus far. I looked up to heaven and I felt the Lord strengthen me.  All I wanted to do was scream and fall apart, but with the help of the Holy Spirit I held each of my kids hands and looked into their tear filled eyes and told them that we are going to be ok.  I told them that we can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens us. And we sat in the car and watched at he finally disappeared behind a door.

Then we made the long drive back home.  I've never had such a quiet car ride with my kids.  I turned on praise music and took turns holding my girls hands as they cried.  I know people were praying for me.  I felt the arms of Jesus wrapped around me.  And I felt peace.  That peace that surpasses all understanding.

I have not heard from Kevin yet, but I do have a address for him.  Feel free to email me if you would like it. The kids and I plan on visiting him at least once a month.  And in the federal system, inmates have access to email.  So we will be able to email him.  But I have no clue how long it takes to set all of that up.  Right now I am just trusting God for favor for him.  God fulfilled the word he gave me back in 2008.  My husband is a mighty man of God.  He has already changed so many lives.  I don't know if it was satan working that put Kevin there or if it was merely a consequence of stupid decisions.  Either way that place that is filled with darkness has no clue the bright light that just walked in.  My husband walked into prison a FREE man! And he is about to set others free.

He spent the last year of his life preparing for this mission trip.  He finished one year of bible school and he started preaching the word of God.

He is ready for this mission trip and so are we.  I'm not even going to pretend that this is easy.  There have been many, many tears shed.  I piled all 3 of my kids into bed with me last night because I couldn't bare the thought of sleeping in that big empty bed by myself. (This will probably go on until school starts)  He's going to miss Jacob's first day of kindergarten and his first t-ball game.  He's going to miss birthdays and Christmases.  This is not going to be easy, but when Kevin walks out those doors no man will ever be able to judge him again.  We do not know how long he will be there.  With good behavior he could be out in 51 months vs 60.  If you would like something to agree with us in prayer for we are praying that Kevin will be accepted into the Residential Drug Abuse Program or Rdap.  If he can get into rdap they will knock 18 months off the 51 months.  He will have to spend 6 months in a halfway house, but he will be close by and able to work.  The only thing that might prevent him from getting into that program is the amount of time he's been clean.  So prayers for favor for that would be appreciated.  It will make a huge difference for our family.  As soon as I hear from him I will post more details about what he can receive and what he needs.  I know he intends to email me blog posts to post on a blog that I will create for him so I will have more details on this as well.  Thank you for all the love and support you've shown us.  It lifts me up more than you will ever know.

Love,

Nicole

***Wow I am floored by the response to my blog!  Thank you for all the love and messages!  There is no need to ask permission to share my blog!  Please share away!  God is so good and I hope that people can see His love through my family!  Add me on facebook, follow me on instagram, follow me on twitter, email me!  I never meet a stranger and would love to hear your stories!***

10,000 and the Virgin Mary

So my blog hit 10,000 views a few days ago! It seriously blows my mind! I know that's not necessarily 10,000 people but it still has to be a lot! A lot of those views are thanks to Ashley Hacksaw over at Lil blue boo and this post about hair loss. It's really exciting, and I hope in some way my story is blessing you!

Back in December of last year my pastor announced that at the end of the year we would be fasting and seeking God for goals for 2012. I'm going to be honest here.... I love food! So fasting did not sound like my idea of bringing in the new year!  But hey if God could tell me what was up for a new year I figured it was worth it.  I did sun up to sun down fasting for 3 days, which means basically I ate breakfast and dinner and did water during the day.  It was not easy, but when your stomach starts to ache....it's an instant reminder to get into prayer!  And I kid you not I heard Him....The first couple of things were easy and clear!  But then it started to get a little fuzzy and I thought I heard the word "Write".  I really didn't understand, but I did what my pastor said and wrote it down.....but I put a question mark by it.  I just didn't understand what in the heck He wanted me to write.......My first thought was music since I play the guitar and have really been wanting to try writing a song.  But that's not what God had planned.  The fist and only time so far I feel like I really heard an audible voice from God was on May 16, 2012 during our normal pre-service prayer time.  I had recieved my cancer diagnosis 2 days earlier and still just felt at peace.  I wasn't up at the alter blubbering asking God why this was happening.....I was asking God to show me how to glorify Him through this journey.  AND CLEAR AS DAY I HEARD HIM SAY THE WORD "WRITE"!  It starteled me to the point that I looked up to see if there was someone in front of me.  My pastor was up on stage praying but was not looking at me and had not said anything.  For some reason, I thought to myself, "I need to remember that this song ( When I speak Your name by Christ for the Nations was playing at the time) is playing right now."  I bowed my head and heard it again "WRITE" and instantly I saw a blog in my head.  And then I heard Him say, "And this is what you are going to call it" as Elizabeth Clark belted out, "I say Your Name, I speak Your name, There's power in the name of Jesus!"  And then like Joey on friends I had that "Oh Ok I get it " moment as my head flashed back to this piece of paper taped in the front of my Bible.

Subject Change......don't worry I'm going to tie this together at the end.....I promise this is not my ADD kicking in!

So I love Christmas time...everything about it.  Since I've become a mom, I've been fascinated by the Virgin Mary (the mother of Jesus).  I remember being 15 and thinking about what I would do if an angel came and told me I was pregnant.....I don't think I would have been as willing as Mary was.  I know she must have struggled, but to be chosen by God must have been humbling.  Some of my favorite Christmas songs are songs coming from Mary's point of view and put to words what she must have been thinking  My current favorite is "Born in Me" by Francisca Battistelli

"I'm just a girl, nothing more.  But I am willing, I am Yours!" 

 I know at 15 that was not my heart.  I was selfish.  And I know that if I knew that I was giving birth to a baby that I would have to watch be crucified......yeah I don't think I could do it.  Luke 2:19 "But Mary was keeping within herself all these things (sayings), weighing and pondering them in her heart."  Since I've had my own son, I cannot watch the passion of the Christ without becoming a blubbering mess.  Especially the scene where Jesus is carrying the cross and falls and she flashes back to him being a little boy and falling.  I can't imagine watching my son go through that.....even if he was saving mankind from hell!  I wonder if she was pondering the future that her son would face.  I wonder if she knew the profound impact He would have on the world. I am in complete awe of her willingness to serve her God despite how hard it must have been. I figured when I looked up the meaning of the name Mary it would mean something like blessed or divine... so I was a little shocked when I found that the name "Mary" means bitter, rebellion, or wished for a child.  Someone was way off on that!  First I don't think Mary was wishing for a child at 15 being unmarried and second I see nothing in Mary's life that suggests bitterness or rebellion.  If she was either God would not have used her.  In Mary I see strength and resolve.  I see complete abandonment of self and a heart that was willing at all costs to serve God.  I see the pure love of a mother for her son, and the indescribable love of a sinner for her Savior!

I want that heart!  We should all want the heart of Mary.  When God says, "Hey I know you're an unwed teen, but I want you to give birth to my son who will break every chain and set captives free, but I promise it will all be ok and you will change the world."  What would you say?  How would you feel?  Or when God says, "Hey I know you are about to go through grueling treatments, but I want you to WRITE!  And while you are writing I want you to keep your faith in Me and smile and encourage others.  I know people say you might die, but I promise it's going to be ok and you will walk in Victory over cancer."  What would you say? How would you feel?  I know what I said:

"I'm just a girl, nothing more.  But I am willing, I am Yours!"

If I hadn't there would have been no blog for these people to view 10,305 (as of the am) times.  I never ever would have thought that many people would care what I had to say......but God did!  Next time He calls on you remember that you may not know what he's doing, but neither did Mary.  And her willingness to serve God changed eternity for mankind.  :)

Once upon a time there was a lump.......

So I've had a few people ask how this all started for me.... How did you know? Did you find a lump? What did it feel like? So I figured instead of telling the story over and over again I would just blog about it.....duh.

One day in early March I got out of the shower like every other day ready to take on the world, and I went through my normal routine, which includes slathering my body in as much lotion as possible ( I was blessed with dry skin).  I just happened to take my hands and wipe from under my arms across both breasts horizontally.  "Wait a minute, what was that?" I thought.  And brought my hand back over my right breast and pressed down from the front.....and nothing.  So I went at it the same way as before and there is was again.  It felt hard.....hard as a rock.  It was very close to my chest wall.  Words like Lumpectomy, BRAC testing, Mastectomy, CANCER......started flooding my mind.  I was familiar with all these as my Mom was just finishing up her reconstruction (she took her time).  She was diagnosed in April of 2010.  I shook all of that information right out of my head as fast as I could.  There's no way that's right......I mean come on.....I'm 28 years old for pete's sake(whoever Pete is......I've always wondered that...sorry ADD moment).  Then I remembered my mom saying things like she had really dense breasts.  That had to be what it was.  I called my husband in just to make sure he felt the same thing.......I put his hand on the right spot and he yanked his hand back like something bit him (he has a bit of a flare for the dramatic, but don't tell him I said that ;).  His response was, "Whoa that's so weird.  What do you think it is?"  I could see the worry all over his face.  I told him I wasn't sure, but I should probably go have it looked at.

In a perfect world I would have been in the doctor's office the next day, but when I took a new job in November of 2011, the company had decided to not offer health benefits (I'm a commissioned employee), but I took the job because I was paying so much money in gas driving to Dallas before that driving to this job would save me enough money to buy an individual policy.  Which yes the thought process made sense, but one of my weaknesses is that I'm more of a thinker than a doer.  But God was working and a new manager had started in February.  She demanded that our owners offer heath insurance and low and behold they agreed!  But the insurance wasn't supposed to be effective until April 1, 2012.  So we decided the best plan of action was to wait, just in case, on the off chance, it was something big.  At the end of March m manager told me that the insurance wouldn't be effective until May 1, 2012.  I don't really remember the reason why, but it didn't really matter.  God used that time to strengthen me to handle what was coming.

I remember on Easter Sunday we were at my Aunt's house.  All of a sudden I had a pain in the breast with the lump.  It was a dull ache.....like the kind I used to get when I was in those lovely adolescent years when things were "blooming." I remember mentioning it to my Aunt and she said something to the effect of, "It's usually never as bad as we are thinking it is."  I knew she was referring to cancer for some reason.....maybe she wasn't I don't really know, but that's what I was thinking.  I remember thinking, "Yeah I'm thinking I'm not going to mention this lump."  I didn't want to worry anyone when it was probably just something silly.

So May 1st rolls around and I was in my doctor's office on May 2nd just to have her take a feel...so to speak.  Her face said it all.  I love my doctor.....she is seriously one of the sweetest women I have ever met. She said exactly what I thought she would say, "Let's not worry until there's something to worry about."  But she sent me off to get a diagnostic mammogram and sonogram, "just in case."  But I knew she was worried.

It was a full week before they could get me into the radiologist office.  It was a long week.  During that week I found a 2nd lump in the same breast.  My doctor did a thorough exam and didn't feel it just days ago.  My husband was out of town when I went.  I knew they weren't going to do a biopsy right then ( since I'd walked this road before with my mom) so I told him he was fine.  I remember going in there and the ladies being so nice and commenting on how young I was (which is now a constant comment I get all the time) and how they get young girls in here all the time and it's just a fibroid and nothing to worry about.  But the mammogram tech's face changed as she started to look at the scans.  I heard God telling me,"I've prepared you for this.  Remember you are not what's on that scan, you are Mine."  She was quiet and led me over to the sonogram room where the tech was also very chatty and sweet, until she started taking pictures.....then it got very quiet.    I remember thinking, "Yeah that's not good."  Again God reminded me that I was ready for this.  She told me to hold on a second and brought the Radiologist in, who was finally straight with me, which I really appreciated.  She told me with me being so young and there being a history of breast cancer she wanted to get me into the Fort Worth office for a biopsy the very next morning. My thought was, "Yeah that's really not good, but I know I'm prepared for this God."  I turned to her and point blank asked her, "Do you think this is cancer?"  Her response was, "To be brutally honest with you, I'd be shocked if it was not cancer."  I told her if it was I just wanted to do the double mastectomy and be done with it.  (I watched my mom go through 2 lumpectomies before she just had the mastectomy done.  I didn't want to go through that. The radiologist told me with that attitude I would be just fine.  I went out to the car and tried to call my husband.  He was on a plane and didn't pick up.  I left a message and sat there not really sure who to call next.  No tears were shed and I didn't feel upset.  God was right.....I was prepared for this.  He made me to overcome.  My sweet husband was not prepared.  He was very quiet when I told him what she had said and had to sit on a plane and think about it, as he called me back from his layover.  

We went in for the biopsy which ended up taking less time that I thought it would, but was very painful.  The radiologist sat down with us and repeated everything she had told me to my husband and his tears begin to flow which of course made me a little teary eyed.  I think the only other times I'd ever seen him so frantic was when something that would require an ER visit would happen to the kids.  But this was a different kind a frantic.  After we left he backed my car into a telephone pole. After I checked to make sure there was no damage it was pretty funny.  We had to wait over the weekend for the results.  We did a lot of praying that weekend.  And God answered those prayers..... just not in the way we wanted Him to...... and the rest is an unfolding story....

You are never too young to start giving yourself breast exams.  I should have been.  Now reading this......you should be too!

Chemo- Round 1 goes to Me!

So you hear the word chemo and you cringe.  I always go back to the scene in the movie, Stepmom, with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon, where the mom (Susan Sarandon) is carrying the laundry basket and has to drop it to run and puke.  Then she has to call and have the "step-mom" (Julia Roberts) to pick up her kids.  Then out of frustration she throws the phone and then the laundry.  It is literally poison running through your body attempting to kill everything it possibly can.

So the day we anticipated for months comes.....Kevin and I are driving to the clinic and this song makes us both burst into tears.  The lyric, "Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son
Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"  I am redeemed, You set me free!" just rang so true for me. 

I had to remind myself to stop preparing for a fight.  It's funny to me that chemo schedules are referred to as rounds.  You say "round one"......you think boxing, fighting, gloves, big sweaty men.....eww kinda gross lol.  Or I get these pictures in my head that are specific to breast cancer that say "Fight like a girl" with the pink boxing gloves (not so gross).  There is a fight going on, but it's not what we think......this is what my Life Manual says:

So there are battles going on but if we can just remember that Jesus ALREADY WON!  I mean seriously how amazing is that.

Ok more about that in a minute with my ADD self.  We made it to the clinic, joined together in prayer, and headed on in.  So on July 2, 2012 I was administered round one of TAC (which stands for the 3 drugs that I am given: taxotere, adriamycin and cyclophosphamide).  It was nice and peaceful and quiet in the infusion room.....as all the old people around me were napping lol.

And they give you warm blankets.....ohhhh how I love a toasty blanket!  So I just relaxed and listened to some praise music and caught up on some tv.....the internet is a wonderful thing when used to defeat boredom!  I even got a foot rub out of the whole deal.....notice the look on Kevin's face! hehe!

He's so funny, and I just love his heart!  The nurse came over as we were finishing up and told me that I would be very nauseated and would have some vomiting going on the next couple of days, so to make sure and take the anti-nausea medicine they gave me.  And my precious husband looked her square in the face and said, "Nope she won't won't have that, in Jesus name!"  The nurse looked a little confused and said, "Um ok well if she does...."  Kevin again interjected, "She won't!"  The nurse looked at me, and I smiled politely at her. "Ok, well you are ready to go." she said in defeat I guess.  1 Cor. 1:18 says, "The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God."  And that has never been more evident to me!  We went and ate a huge lunch at P.F. Changs (oh so yummy) and I went home and now over 2 weeks later, I have not vomited one time!  I haven't even felt like throwing up! Praise Jesus!  See that's what God does! 

Now I'm not going to pretend like it has been all bunny rabbits and sunshine....not sure why I say bunny rabbits b/c we've had them before and while they are super sweet and cute they are really messy and poop A LOT, but you get where I am going.  I have been tired and achy which = grumpy for me.  I had a fever one week after my treatment and ended up back at the doctor.  But again my husband kept telling me I was healed.  And I'm not going to lie.....I felt like throwing something really hard at him!  But that's why God put us together, because when my faith is weak his is strong and vice versa!  I went in expecting my white blood cell count to be super low and end up in the hospital, but the nurse came back in and was confused since my counts were still in the normal range, which is not at all "normal" for a chemo patient.  She chalked it up to me being so young, but I know that is my God!  I love being the patient that confuses medical professionals.  Modern day miracles are still going on all around us and our heads try to explain them away, but God is they only explanation!  Come on people open your eyes and hearts and stop trying to reason God's miracles away! 

Around the end of week 2 my hair started to fall out......first just a little, which honestly made my hair more manageable since I have so much of it.  I had already decided that I wanted to shave it when it started getting out of control.  This to me was not at all an emotional thing.  I am not defined by what I look like, whether or not I have breasts or hair, or legs or arms, or anything else for that matter.  I know who I am in Christ.

And secretly I am one of those weird girls who looked at Demi Moore and Natalie Portman and said, "Man I wish I could do that!"  So once the shedding began I was ready!

So off came the ponytail!

And Here was the final result and I love it!

And with that I challenged my brother with the task of coming up with the best bald jokes he had and here is what I got:

Here you go Nicole Jasien. I love you.

TOP 10 REASONS CHEMO-INDUCED BALDNESS IS AWESOME>

#10: Blond jokes no longer apply to you.
#9: Increased aerodynamics. (important for runners, sky divers, swimmers human projectiles)
#8: You can finally drive your convertible to work. (no more 'wind-tunnel' hair-dos)
#7: You've got a blank canvas for new tattoos.
#6: You're now ready to audition for the Blue Man Group.
#5: Time to get a new driver's license...Hair Color: Invisible. (see how that one goes over with the cop the next time you're pulled over)
#4: Think of the money you'll save...no more barber/hairdresser, shampoo, hairspray, dandruff medication, hair dye, etc.
#3: Everyone knows that bald people make better lovers. (and if they don't, perhaps it's time that you showed them)
(That one was for Big Kev)
#2: It distracts attention from your face. (alright, that was completely uncalled for and I'm sorry)

And the #1 reason that chemo-induced baldness is awesome-

BALD=SEXY (just look at Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel, Natalie Portman and Britney Spears...ok, she's hot in a bald and crazy kind of way)

Surgery and stuff!

So my surgery was preformed on 5/30/12.  I had to fast which sucked.....and get up early and I am not a morning person lol.

I was very hungry and very sleepy! :)

They ask me my name and dob 20 million times......I almost forgot it I repeated it so many times lol

Before surgery it took 3 nurses to get an IV in me and I thought I was going to puke!  Something about needles rolling around in my skin makes my stomach queasy.  They gave me the good stuff and I was out like a light.  In fact I really don't remember much of the hospital at all, complements of morphine.  But I know my precious husband was there with me most of the time!

 My brother was quite entertained with me!

My kids not so much lol!

They were more entertained with the TV which I don't even remember!

Doctors said surgery was a success and our main prayer was little pain and a supernatural recovery which is exactly what I've had.  I've been uncomfortable, but no major major pain and I was up and around a few days after being home.  My drains came out 7 days after surgery and I am running at almost 100% 2 and a half weeks later.  They did a lymph node biopsy while I was in surgery which came back positive for cancer.  So they decided to take 13 more lymph nodes.  10 out of those came back positive for cancer. 

This puts me at a stage 3C.  Which is a hair away from stage 4 cancer.  And for those of you who do not know there is no stage 5......stage 4 is the end of the road for most people.  My oncologist was shocked that my scans came out clean. (see my last post here)  The power of prayer is amazing.  God is so good.  Even with this hiccup in our lives, our home is filled with peace that surpasses all understanding.  People always ask me how the kids are doing.....it's kind of a funny question to me.  Nothing in my home has changed.....except everyone has to be gentle with mommy's owies.  Other than that my kids lives have not changed.  The word cancer isn't scary to them.  You know why?  Because it's not scary to mommy and daddy.  There is one thing I have learned in all that Kevin and I have been through and it's if the parents are ok, the kids are ok.  Think about that.....We are Children of God.  Is He ever not ok?  Is there ever a point where He is not in control?  Then why is it that so many times we are not ok?  Why do we question His intentions and worry like He doesn't have our backs?  He is my Abba Father.  Why would He not take care of His precious child, just like I take care of mine.

So the plan is VACATION comes next week and then Chemo starts on July 2nd.  We know that I am healed.  Chemo is just a tool in that healing.  I will do chemo once every 3 weeks for 4 and a half months.  There is nothing in the natural that will tell me that I am healed, except for time.  So I hold fast to my confession of God's healing in my body.  Isaiah 53:5 "We are healed by the punishment (propitiation) He suffered, made whole by the blow He received!"  Christ already won this battle for me at the cross.  So really I don't have to fight!  I wear a bracelet that says "fight like a girl" but really the only fight I am fighting is the good fight of faith.  And praise God I am surrounded by awesome men and women of faith!