I love driving. Driving long distances especially. For some reason my mind gets quiet and I am able to really think about stuff. It doesn't even matter if my kids are in the car, for some reason, in the car, I can completely tune them out. And if you've ever met my kids you'd know what a challenge that is. For the last 2 weeks we have been doing a lot of driving. Our church has a campus out in Granbury, TX and for the last 2 weeks we've been having a revival service every night at 7pm. We've been able to make it to at least half of them. It's about 1.5 hours from our house which makes it a 3 hour round trip, but man these meetings have been sooooo powerful. And I love the drive home....it's dark and in the country it's really dark. I've figured out that turning up worship music really loud deters my kids from talking.....it just takes too much effort to yell over the music. And when my kids get quiet at night this is what ends up happening.
Do you hear that? Yeah me either! Sweet silence!
I hear God speak to me when things are so still and my natural mind is occupied with driving. I talk to him and just soak up His presence. Tonight's drive home was not one of those nights.
The last 17 days have been a roller coaster. Some days I feel so strong, like I can do this, and then like a tsunami, a huge wave of sadness will hit out of nowhere. And it will engulf me....... my entire countenance will change and I am humbly reminded that I can not do this without God. There have been a few days where I have honestly wallowed in that sadness. I know some of you are thinking, "Well, I mean you deserve a day here and there to just feel sad. It's okay!" And I too have embraced that thinking a few times. In fact I completely embraced it yesterday and that kind of thinking could not be more wrong. I have seen the result of it. It's like opening a door and inviting satan to sit down for dinner for some civilized conversation (except nothing satan does is "civilized"). Before I knew it I was thinking things like, "I can't do this! My kids are going to be so messed up! Who cares if I miss church, I mean everyone knows that I have my hands full. No one will probably even notice. No one cares about us. We are all alone in this. What if everything I believe is wrong? Maybe my church is too extreme.... I mean we are there ALL the time." Yes ALL OF THAT FROM HAVING ONE DAY OF "DESERVED" SADNESS. Those are all LIES straight from satan's lips into my mind. Do you know how I know that those are lies? Because they are completely contrary to the Word of God. And I also got these two text messages:
Praise God for friends who hunt you down and then love you enough to tell you the TRUTH. All of a sudden, it was like the lights turned on. And I started to see the real battle that was going on. Seriously.....a battle. I'm sure you've heard the term "the battlefield of the mind." Let me tell you, that is no joke and it's Biblical!
This picture accurately depicts what is going on all the time and we have no clue. All day and all night this goes on......a whole other realm that we can not see. I remember being a little girl, maybe 9 or 10, and my mom reading Frank Peretti's This Present Darkness to the whole family on a road trip. I had no clue what she was talking about.....sounded like a bunch of craziness out of a rated R movie to me. Angels and Demons at war and I can't see them? Yeah Mom you're nuts! But as an adult I know now that this was not just a fictional book.....it's a reality in my life and in yours too.
Let me tell you satan does NOT discriminate. He doesn't care who you are! He doesn't mind if you are a 9 year old little girl. Taylor has broken down multiple times in tears. And I feel like my heart is being ripped out every time it happens. The Sunday morning before Kevin left, Taylor got really upset in Sunday School. Kevin was paged to go get her (I was on stage with the praise and worship team) and I watched my amazing husband walk my sweet baby girl down to the altar and they both got on their knees before God. He told her that this is where we take our sadness. We take it straight to God and we leave it at His feet and we take His peace back with us. It was overwhelming to watch. I don't even know why I thought I could sing that morning....I was a blubbering mess. But his words to her are so right. So when she breaks down I remind her what her Daddy told her. And tonight I took a break from singing on stage and walked down to the altar with her and left my sadness there too.
On the way home we were chatting and I had some praise music going, just having a that sweet quality time together. We even pulled over and took a picture of the moon with our new camera that we bought today.
And then out of nowhere WHAM! Kayden bursts into tears (the devil doesn't care if you are 7 either). My initial reaction is to think she is hurt.....because she is full on sobbing. Then it comes, "I miss Daddy. He's not going to be home for so long." At first I tried reasoning in the natural with her. I said, "But Kayden we get to go see him in 2 days!" And I got the "I know, but......" I got that response a couple of times with different reasons as to why what I was saying was not making her feel better. This went on for a good while. And then I began to recognize those responses from the reasoning I was doing in my head yesterday and a righteous anger rose up in me like a pot boiling over. Satan WILL NOT have my family!
And never underestimate the power of a mother armed with the name of Jesus!! I grabbed her little hand and I said, "Did you know that you can give that sadness to God and he will give you joy for it?" Between sobs she said, "But I don't know how to do that." So I asked her if she wanted me to show her and she said yes. So I prayed over that little girl. I prayed the peace of God that suprasses all understnading would cover her. I prayed that the sadness would cease and that in the name of Jesus, satan had no right to her. I prayed that she would feel the arms of Jesus wrapped around her and that He would fill her heart with joy. And I prayed all of these things in the name of Jesus and I told her I loved her. And I turned the worship music up, way up. I just wanted so badly to punch someone.....specifically the thing that was messing with my baby. But we can't battle that way in this realm (which is really frustrating sometimes). I kept praying for her and prayed in the spirit (yes I'm one of those) under the sound of the blasting music. And about 3 minutes later I hear her say, "Mommy?" I reluctantly turned down the music, "Yes Kayden." I answered. And I kid you not this is what came out of her mouth, "Do you think Ms. Meagan (our worship leader and one of my best friends) would ever sing Taylor Swift songs?" I laughed and told her, "Not even if someone was holding a gun to her head." And in my mind.....my battlefield I said, "Take that Satan!" I turned the music back up and she peacefully drifted to sleep. And a word that the Lord had given me through our guest speaker, Tim Grisham, came rushing back to me.
 |
| Photo by Jeremy Spears |
The Lord had said that I was anointed for this time, and there are times where I won't feel anointed but HE who lives in me is, and His anointing will overflow into me. He said that things didn't have to be this way but because they are that I would experience a greater intimacy with Him than I've ever known. And man did these words come to fruition tonight.
It doesn't matter what emotion we are holding onto: anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, sadness, jealousy, hatred....ect. They are all an open door to the enemy. And when he sees an opportunity, don't be mistaken, he will take it! We have to know how to deal with these battles. Before tonight I kept telling my friends that I am just having a hard time figuring out what to do with this sadness. Good grief.....I had the answer the whole time. I was even telling my daughter what to do and still scratching my head trying to figure it out. We take those feelings and lay them at the feet of Jesus......even if we have to do it every day, every hour, or every minute. We use the name of Jesus to cast down those thoughts and bring them into obedience to the word of God! 2 Cor 10:5 in the message says :We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ." I love that! Loose thoughts and emotions....boy we've had lots of those lately but praise God that we know what to do with them.
We will be heading up to Texarkana early Saturday morning to visit Kevin. We would appreciate if you would be lifting us up in prayer at that time as I know it will be a little scary for the kids the first time. Kevin is doing really good! He's found solace in working out (which in the 11 years I've known him I've never seen him touch a weight let alone lift it). We get to email 2-3 times a day which has been such a blessing and He's been able to call 3 or 4 times so far and it's so nice to get to hear his voice. He found out a group of inmates meet on the yard every Sunday morning and take turns preaching and he said this Sunday was great! He should be able to take a turn preaching one Sunday. It gets me all giddy at 1:30am just thinking about that man preaching in that place! The Holy Spirit is about to show up in a BIG WAY! He already is here :)
Came across this in Kevin's notebook the other day!
