I don't have a choice, right?

So like everyone else I have things that I am really good at.  I'm good with math, I'm good with a sewing machine, I'm good at general problem solving.  And usually we really enjoy the things we're good at.  On the flip side there are a lot of things I'm not so good at.  Waiting is one of of those things.  I don't like waiting in lines (unless I have my smart phone and no kids).  I don't like waiting for things to arrive.  Waiting is just not fun, in fact I do very little online shopping for myself simply because I want it now.  I don't want to have to wait for something to ship, but I've been a little more open to it lately.  We live in an instant gratification society.  And with all the technology we do very little waiting.

We saw Kevin this weekend.  And let me tell you, in the federal prison system there is one thing you can count on..... WAITING.  We waited in our normal line.  We wait for Kevin to be called and come to the visiting room.  Basically from the time we get there to the time he makes it into the room is usually around an hour.

But just to be able to see him I really don't mind waiting.  I've concluded that the rules change based on the moods of the guards.  One day one thing is okay and the next day it's not.  And I'm not going to lie .....it irritates me.  Kevin looked at me and said, "Yeah honey I don't think you'd do well here.  Because really there's not a thing you can do about it."  And he's right.....there is nothing I can do about it.  I posted this quote yesterday morning.

At first I liked this quote, but the more I thought about it the dumber it sounded.  It's one of those fluffy things people can say without thinking and we all kinda just smile at the fluff because well fluff makes us feel better.  We love the fluff, but it's not real life.  Real life is that we don't have a choice.  The reason our track record is 100% is because what else is there to do?  Now if we want to get really deep with it I know you can say, "Well there are people who emotionally check out or who take their own lives or have a break down...." And while I'm still living and so are you, there are times most of us have thought about how being with the Lord sounds so much better than enduring hardship (not to compare this to actual suicidal idealizations....ok I'm getting off this subject). And we've all had our break down moments which kills the whole 100% (Here's one of my better ones. The part I left out of this blog is the fact that I kicked my car out of anger and put a big dent in it.  Yup that happened.) We all make it through because we have to.  I'm all my kids have right now.  No matter how much my carnal mind just wants to lay in bed all day and cry, I can't do that.  I have to get out of bed every morning and take my kids to school; I don't have a choice.  But the last few days, it's taken everything in me and the strength of the Lord to be able to do that.

Our visit was good.  But Kevin said something that rocked my world and sent me into a downward spiral.  He said, "So I have a date.  December 4th, 2017."  At first what he said didn't register.  I don't think that far ahead.....ever.  I'm just moving up to thinking in terms of months and not days.  So I asked him, "What do you mean date?"  And he said, "Release date."  And I felt that same panic that I felt in the courtroom rise up in me.  That uncontrollable emotion, but by the grace of God I was able to push it back down.  "Wow that's a long time from now."  I said.  "Well with the RDAP program my date would be June 4th, 2016."  The conversation moved on from that but those dates were in the forefront of my mind the entire time.  For someone who is only used to thinking days ahead, it was simply overwhelming to think about.  Kayden broke down in tears when we left and again I felt like my heart was physically being ripped out.  It was such a beautiful day and I needed a break from life so we went to the park that is right on the other side of the prison. (I'll never understand why there are parks next to prisons, but hey, it works for us.)  The kids had some cheetos left over from our visit so they decided to feed the ducks and these ducks and geese were not shy.  In fact they chased the kids across the park.  It was hilarious!  And for a brief moment all was right in the world.

So we made the long drive home.  But that date.... It's all I could think about and all I wanted to do was crawl in bed.  And that's what I did as soon as I put the kids to bed.  And the next day I woke up got the kids to school and came home and crawled right back in bed.  For 2 days I lived life at the absolute lowest level of effort.  I did only what was absolutely necessary.  We skipped extracurricular activities and I refused to leave the house.  

Kevin tried to make it better by saying, "We've already done almost 2 months, we only have to do this 16 more times."  Which made me feel a little better, but for someone who hates waiting.....well yeah.  I didn't touch my Bible and I just wanted to be left alone.  But I eventually had to shower.  And for some reason in my bathroom I can not ignore the voice of the Lord.  So yesterday afternoon I sat in my bathtub crying.  Actually it was more like complaining and whining, and being a brat. I just kept thinking I want this to be over and I want to share our testimony together. I want it to stop being hard!  I want to stop building such an incredible testimony. I want a year that doesn't involve life altering events!  And the Lord reminded me of something He told me before Kevin left.  He said to me, "The moment that I stop writing that testimony and you stop sharing it, is the point where you have real problems!"  And then I kept hearing the word "Patience," which as we covered above is not my strength.  I mean I don't have any other choice but to be patient right?  I can not change my situation.  And he said, "BUT I CAN!"  And yeah that shut me up.  And bless the Lord, He made it so easy for me.....I opened up my Bible app and the verse of the day was 

Psalms 27:13-14 NLT "Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord . Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."  

And you know what.....I have seen the Lord's goodness.  Our yard get's mowed every week, because of a man who loves the Lord.  Our dogs had somewhere to go while we were gone, because of a family who loves the Lord.  Our hotel room was booked because of that same family.  Dinner is randomly provided for us because of women who love the Lord.  And I get random checks in the mail from people who love the Lord.  I still get paychecks from Kevin's work that they are under no obligation to pay out because my husband loves the Lord.  He walks in the land of the dead(from a spiritual standpoint) and he has to be patient.  And I get to walk among the living and through them I see the goodness of the Lord and I'm having problems being patient?? 

 Ugh but there are those words I hate again......WAIT and PATIENTLY   But Lord, if that's what you called me to do I can do it.  I don't have a choice right?  And the Lord reminded me of those verses in James...James 1:2-4 NLT  "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."  So of course  I had to go search pinterest for a picture of this verse to post on facebook, but instead God decided he wasn't through teaching me something and he smacked me in the head with this:

And again I was left speechless and convicted.  Turns out I do have a choice.....I have a choice of how I'm going to act while I'm patiently waiting on the Lord.  Stomping my feet and being a brat and choosing to not participate in life is not being patient.  In fact it's the opposite.  I continued reading in James 1 and finally found out why my husband says that it is his favorite chapter in the Bible.

James 1:12-15 NLT

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, “God is tempting me.” God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else. Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.

Yes I think when faced with the choice of the crown of life or death......yeah I think I'll take the crown of life!  How about you?  What will you choose today? Again my life all goes back to choices.  If I can choose life through cancer that is trying to kill me I can surely choose life through this. 

 And I have a God that pursues me when I forget that.  You can be a positive person, but without someone there to consistently talk you off the ledge, no one can be positive all the time.  My God does that for me.  He never leaves me, even if I am being a brat.  Even the best parent has a hard time with a bratty child.....we get frustrated and angry.  But our Father doesn't work that way.  He loves us even in our lowest darkest moments.  He's there to wrap his arms around you.  All you have to do is CHOOSE to let Him.

Watch this ladies......I couldn't have said it any better.

The key isn't always the KEY!

So I had no intention of blogging tonight about our visit.  My plan was to go our 2 days and come home then when I had some time I'd sit down and write my post, but after the day we've had I've decided that today needs it's own post.  It's been eventful to say the least.

We had meet the teacher at school last night.  The kids are at a new school this year and my baby is starting kindergarten! Sniff Sniff.  Everything went off without a hitch and the kids are super excited to start school.

So afterwards we came home and I packed us up.  And I packed meticulously, which goes against everything in my nature.  I'm more of a fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl, so the fact that I took the time to make sure we had EVERYTHING we needed was out of the ordinary.  Kevin is the packer....he even rolls our cloths because it looks "neater".  I spent a good portion of the evening, after I put the kids down early, researching every detail of the visiting process (why no one has blogged about their visiting experience is beyond me!).  I focused in on things like dress code, vending machines, what not to bring......I was particularly amused by the what not to wear list!

The following attire will NOT be permitted:

Skirts, dresses, culottes: 3 or more inches above the knee in the standing position or splitsin the material to include wrap around clothes 
C apri pants could be worn but must be no shorter than the calf area 
Khaki clothing (pants, shirt, blouse, etc.)
Shorts (only children 12 and below may wear shorts)
Halter, tube, tank or crop tops
Any shirt/blouse exposing the midriff
Brassiere-less
Spandex attire
See-through clothing to include plain white t-shirts
Form fitting clothing
Sweat pants or jogging suits
Clothing displaying obscene gestures, language or disruptive symbols
Hats, Any type/form/resemblance of/to a baseball cap, cowboy hat, sombrero, head wrap,
or head band.
NOTE: Shoes must be worn by all visitors except infants. Flip flops or any other type of house
shoes are not to be worn for visitation.

I was planning on wearing both my culotte and my sombrero so you can imagine my disappointment! ;) No but seriously I live in flip flops and headbands!  And all my breast cancer girls will know what I'm talking about when I say wearing  a "brassiere" with tissue expanders is not a comfortable thing.  But for him I don't care if I have to wear a trash bag.  So I was completely prepared.  Bags packed, everyone's clothes laid out, car cleaned, plenty of activities to keep the kids busy on the road, I mean I had it all!  There was even some of this action going on:

Kevin would have a coronary if he would have seen this kind of organization from me (at work I do lists and organization...at home not so much but we're obviously improving!).  And the amazing thing......when you prepare the night before, your mornings are smooth sailing!  Imagine that! (Mental Note: Remember this next week when school starts)  So at 6 am sharp everyone was up and putting their clothes on.  We took our time and it was organized bliss....even the dogs were good.  It was like a Solar Eclipse, things rarely come together like that.  We were all packed and on the road by 7am which gave us plenty of time to drop the dogs.  We stopped in Dallas and dropped the dogs off at my brothers and we were off, praise music blasting, ready to see Daddy!  It was such a peaceful drive.  There was no fighting, no screaming, no "mom, how much longer?", only one bathroom break and I was the one who needed it.  So we pull in right around 10:30.....a plan perfectly executed right? 

Visiting hours run from 8am to 3pm every Saturday and Sunday, but Kevin had told us not to get there until 10:30 or 11 because we would have to wait in a long line otherwise.  This is what I see pulling up.

Yup see all those people standing in line and more walking up.  Yipee!  Oh and did I mention it was eh about 95 degrees outside?  But you know what?  No big deal......I'm happy to wait.  Just knowing we're in the same air makes my heart happy.  So we take all our pictures before we have to put the camera away.  (The people in line were looking at me like I was nuts.  I guess most people try not to document this process.)

So we head back to the car and I let the kids grab some stuff to keep them busy while we wait in line.  They found a shady spot and sat down and I got in line.  I never meet a stranger so of course I start chatting up the people in line with me.  The woman in front of me had already waited in line once and was sent away because her skinny jeans were "too tight".  So she had to go to a store and buy some new pants.  I noticed everyone except one guy (who was sent away as well) were wearing closed toed shoes.  So I asked if she thought my sandals were okay, It just said no flip flops so i figured my sandals were ok.  Well she told me that they do not allow open toed shoes.  But since I was soooo super organized I had grabbed a pair of tennis shoes just in case, so crisis averted.  The line was moving quicker than I thought so I called the kids over.   I had people behind me now and didn't want to lose my place in line so I gave Taylor my keys and asked all the kids to walk to the car together (which was about 50 feet away without crossing any streets) and put my phone and their stuff up and to grab my tennis shoes out of the back.  So I watch them and Kayden comes running back with my shoes.  While she was gone I remembered that I had forgotten my Driver's License.  So when Kayden brought my shoes I told her to go back and and grab my driver's license and to make sure the car was locked.  Then I see Taylor walking up and I can tell her face is distraught,  I look and she has nothing in her hands.  Jake is following closely behind her smiling so I think, "maybe she's just nervous."  Then I notice no one has my car keys.  

You know those parenting moments that you wish you could just erase? or do over?  Yeah.  So I ask Taylor where the keys are.  She turns around and says, "Jake had them."  All 3 of them are standing in front of me at that point and I look at Jake and ask him where the keys are.  I remember thinking in my head, "there's no way they locked my keys in the car."  And right as I finished that thought he says, "They're in the car," and the kid is smiling.  So I look at Taylor and say,"Well the doors aren't locked right?"  She bursts into tears and I felt my heart physically sink and then all the emotions that I have been managing came flooding out in the most unholy way possible. I grab my son's arm and drag him back to the car. Everything in me is raging.  It's taking every ounce of self control I still have to not spank this kid out of anger.  The girls stand in the line for a minute before realizing they'd better follow.  At this point I am just angry.  I was so meticulous about every detail.  How is this happening?  I have no phone, no i.d., and it's blazing hot outside.  And no one in the line even batted an eye.  Once I get the entire story from all of them it turns out Jake had grabbed the keys from his sister just to irritate her and was more or less playing keep away from her and then wasn't getting out of the car just to agitate.  He'd already hit the lock button on the remote and taylor finally got him out of the car, but without the keys.  I am not keeping my composure at all at this point.  All I can think is, "He is right here and I'm not going to get to see him today."  I spot a kid (maybe 17) sitting in his car using his phone.  So I walk over and tell him what is going on and ask if I can call a locksmith.  So he looks up the only 3 locksmiths listed in Texarkana.  And not one of them answers the phone.  This process took about 25 minutes to get through because I kept handing the phone back to the kid and he would find another number.  I had no clue what to do.  I don't have anyone's number memorized.  Then the number of one of my close friends pops into my head.  The only reason I remembered it was because I had to put in on about 20 school forms.  So I call her and as soon as her husband picks up I burst into tears.  And once that dam opened the tears flowed.  I told her what was going on and that I didn't know what to do.  She told me it was going to be okay and to pray in the spirit.  She said she would find someone to get out there.  I hung up that phone and had no idea what was happening.  I walked off from my 3 kids trying to regain my composure, (and to not say something that I couldn't take back) but all 3 of them were in tears at this point too.  (Just a side note.....walking into the prison was not an option....they would not let you in without an i.d. period).  I just couldn't get it together.  I tired to walk over and pray, but man the enemy was all over me and it was easier to be angry and upset.  I can't imagine what my poor babies were feeling.  I know that seeing me so upset made them feel horribly guilty and being honest I didn't help  ease those feelings at all.  I took them over to a shady spot and we literally sat on the grass there sobbing.  And then my amazing nine year old daughter did what I didn't have the strength to do.  She looks at me tears running down her face and says, "Mom can we pray?"  And something rose up out of me and snapped back at her, "Go for it!"  And at that point I realized that was not me talking.  That was something dark and ugly that I needed gone. Like RIGHT NOW!  I sat there for a second and had to push away the ugliness running through me and I grabbed hands with my kids and I prayed over them and we all cried.  It was very similar to the scene we had there as a family 3 weeks ago.  But I felt that ugliness leave and the strength of the Lord return.

I am embarrassed at the way I acted today and I had to apologize and ask my kids for forgiveness.  But as a parent I have never been prouder.  My daughter saw the issue and knew exactly what to do about it.  She knew we weren't dealing with keys locked in the car.  We were dealing with a spiritual issue. 

 Wait wasn't I just blogging about this?  Yes I was and today I was not walking my talk.  But man my daughter was so we must be doing something right.  Pop a lock showed up shortly after that and 2 hours after we arrived we were finally walking in.

We got a full 2 hours with him and honestly it was not as scary as it looks going in.  The room is nice....it was crowded but nice.  And they have a family room that is staffed from 12-2 on Saturdays.  So we went in there and played some games for a little bit.  They were not strict about contact at all.  The kids kept fighting over sitting in Kevin's lap.  He looks amazing.  He cut his hair short and he's lost a good 15 lbs.  Guess that working out stuff really works. Imagine that! He was glowing when he saw us and he prayed over us before we left.  And you know what?  I had no issues controlling my emotions.  It would have been easy to give place to that darkness again and break down and cry an tell Kevin how horrible our morning was, but instead we laughed and I got to tell him how amazing his daughter is. It's amazing how simple it really is.

\

But we make it so hard.  Swallow your pride......submit to God.......and the devil has to go!  Thank God that His grace is sufficient and his mercies are new every morning....although we didn't have to wait until morning. Thank you so much for all your messages and prayers, they were working.  I will post more later about what our visit was like, but just know that this visit was exactly what this family needed.  Look at these sweet faces and you can see it!

Oh and this too!