We're more than Pink!

I was on the local news today!  It was pretty cool experience to help spread awareness about what breast cancer is really about.  I'm part of a group on facebook for cancer patients and survivors and we decided we had had enough and a bunch of us decided to send real pictures of us during treatment and this is what all of that turned into.

This is a video put together by a group of cancer survivors (including me) who want people to know what cancer really looks like ..... More than a pink ribbon. I'm not going to lie.... There are some medically graphic pictures in here so if that bothers you please don't watch. If you want to know what cancer really looks like here it is in all its pain and scars and bald heads and smiles and victories! #realcancerawareness

Check out the facebook page www.facebook.com/realcancerawareness

It's pretty powerful huh?  I'm honored to be part of it!  Here is the link to the news article and video

http://dfw.cbslocal.com/2013/10/16/group-breast-cancer-awareness-is-more-than-pink-ribbons/

NORTH TEXAS (CBSDFW.COM) – This month many people are thinking ‘pink’ for breast cancer awareness, but for survivors, the fight is anything but pretty.  Now local survivors have taken to the internet to paint another picture of breast cancer.

Breast cancer is a life-changing disease that can leave your body scarred forever. That’s why one group of women wants you to look past the pink and at the real images.

If you were to look at Kim Whitworth and Nicole Jasien you’d never think they have a problem with the color that sits smack in between red and white…. and they don’t. “I just love pink,” Kim said happily.

But these survivors of Stage 3 breast cancer want to make sure the public sees beyond the color.

Nicole explains that she “…had a double mastectomy right away and then I completed six rounds of chemo and did radiation as well.” Part of Kim’s journey will soon come to an end.  ”I’m still going through treatment,” she said. “Last one is Tuesday next week.”

The women want everyone to know what the killer disease really looks like. “It’s not just about a pink ribbon. It’s not what everyone makes it out to be,” Kim said flatly.

The North Texas ladies and others like them say they’re tired, of what’s becoming known as ‘pink wash – or the plethora of pink products and signage that pop up, every October.

Even the chief mission officer with Susan G. Komen for the Cure acknowledges the campaign isn’t for everyone. “Not everybody wants to celebrate with a color or public demonstration, and that’s okay,” she said.

For Kim, Nicole and some of their friends who are survivors, the boiling point was a picture, making the rounds on Facebook. It declared October 13, No Bra Day, as a way to support breast cancer.

Nicole said, “It just almost sexualized a disease that’s just physically devastating. People started commenting. ‘Maybe we should go topless, and then people would really see what cancer is like.’”

“We’re more than boobs,” Kim declared. “We are.”

Now Kim, Nicole and a group of about 200 survivors are trying to increase knowledge about what they call “real cancer awareness.” They’re doing it with a YouTube video that shows that scars, pain and fight of breast cancer.

I don't have a choice, right?

So like everyone else I have things that I am really good at.  I'm good with math, I'm good with a sewing machine, I'm good at general problem solving.  And usually we really enjoy the things we're good at.  On the flip side there are a lot of things I'm not so good at.  Waiting is one of of those things.  I don't like waiting in lines (unless I have my smart phone and no kids).  I don't like waiting for things to arrive.  Waiting is just not fun, in fact I do very little online shopping for myself simply because I want it now.  I don't want to have to wait for something to ship, but I've been a little more open to it lately.  We live in an instant gratification society.  And with all the technology we do very little waiting.

We saw Kevin this weekend.  And let me tell you, in the federal prison system there is one thing you can count on..... WAITING.  We waited in our normal line.  We wait for Kevin to be called and come to the visiting room.  Basically from the time we get there to the time he makes it into the room is usually around an hour.

But just to be able to see him I really don't mind waiting.  I've concluded that the rules change based on the moods of the guards.  One day one thing is okay and the next day it's not.  And I'm not going to lie .....it irritates me.  Kevin looked at me and said, "Yeah honey I don't think you'd do well here.  Because really there's not a thing you can do about it."  And he's right.....there is nothing I can do about it.  I posted this quote yesterday morning.

At first I liked this quote, but the more I thought about it the dumber it sounded.  It's one of those fluffy things people can say without thinking and we all kinda just smile at the fluff because well fluff makes us feel better.  We love the fluff, but it's not real life.  Real life is that we don't have a choice.  The reason our track record is 100% is because what else is there to do?  Now if we want to get really deep with it I know you can say, "Well there are people who emotionally check out or who take their own lives or have a break down...." And while I'm still living and so are you, there are times most of us have thought about how being with the Lord sounds so much better than enduring hardship (not to compare this to actual suicidal idealizations....ok I'm getting off this subject). And we've all had our break down moments which kills the whole 100% (Here's one of my better ones. The part I left out of this blog is the fact that I kicked my car out of anger and put a big dent in it.  Yup that happened.) We all make it through because we have to.  I'm all my kids have right now.  No matter how much my carnal mind just wants to lay in bed all day and cry, I can't do that.  I have to get out of bed every morning and take my kids to school; I don't have a choice.  But the last few days, it's taken everything in me and the strength of the Lord to be able to do that.

Our visit was good.  But Kevin said something that rocked my world and sent me into a downward spiral.  He said, "So I have a date.  December 4th, 2017."  At first what he said didn't register.  I don't think that far ahead.....ever.  I'm just moving up to thinking in terms of months and not days.  So I asked him, "What do you mean date?"  And he said, "Release date."  And I felt that same panic that I felt in the courtroom rise up in me.  That uncontrollable emotion, but by the grace of God I was able to push it back down.  "Wow that's a long time from now."  I said.  "Well with the RDAP program my date would be June 4th, 2016."  The conversation moved on from that but those dates were in the forefront of my mind the entire time.  For someone who is only used to thinking days ahead, it was simply overwhelming to think about.  Kayden broke down in tears when we left and again I felt like my heart was physically being ripped out.  It was such a beautiful day and I needed a break from life so we went to the park that is right on the other side of the prison. (I'll never understand why there are parks next to prisons, but hey, it works for us.)  The kids had some cheetos left over from our visit so they decided to feed the ducks and these ducks and geese were not shy.  In fact they chased the kids across the park.  It was hilarious!  And for a brief moment all was right in the world.

So we made the long drive home.  But that date.... It's all I could think about and all I wanted to do was crawl in bed.  And that's what I did as soon as I put the kids to bed.  And the next day I woke up got the kids to school and came home and crawled right back in bed.  For 2 days I lived life at the absolute lowest level of effort.  I did only what was absolutely necessary.  We skipped extracurricular activities and I refused to leave the house.  

Kevin tried to make it better by saying, "We've already done almost 2 months, we only have to do this 16 more times."  Which made me feel a little better, but for someone who hates waiting.....well yeah.  I didn't touch my Bible and I just wanted to be left alone.  But I eventually had to shower.  And for some reason in my bathroom I can not ignore the voice of the Lord.  So yesterday afternoon I sat in my bathtub crying.  Actually it was more like complaining and whining, and being a brat. I just kept thinking I want this to be over and I want to share our testimony together. I want it to stop being hard!  I want to stop building such an incredible testimony. I want a year that doesn't involve life altering events!  And the Lord reminded me of something He told me before Kevin left.  He said to me, "The moment that I stop writing that testimony and you stop sharing it, is the point where you have real problems!"  And then I kept hearing the word "Patience," which as we covered above is not my strength.  I mean I don't have any other choice but to be patient right?  I can not change my situation.  And he said, "BUT I CAN!"  And yeah that shut me up.  And bless the Lord, He made it so easy for me.....I opened up my Bible app and the verse of the day was 

Psalms 27:13-14 NLT "Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord . Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."  

And you know what.....I have seen the Lord's goodness.  Our yard get's mowed every week, because of a man who loves the Lord.  Our dogs had somewhere to go while we were gone, because of a family who loves the Lord.  Our hotel room was booked because of that same family.  Dinner is randomly provided for us because of women who love the Lord.  And I get random checks in the mail from people who love the Lord.  I still get paychecks from Kevin's work that they are under no obligation to pay out because my husband loves the Lord.  He walks in the land of the dead(from a spiritual standpoint) and he has to be patient.  And I get to walk among the living and through them I see the goodness of the Lord and I'm having problems being patient?? 

 Ugh but there are those words I hate again......WAIT and PATIENTLY   But Lord, if that's what you called me to do I can do it.  I don't have a choice right?  And the Lord reminded me of those verses in James...James 1:2-4 NLT  "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."  So of course  I had to go search pinterest for a picture of this verse to post on facebook, but instead God decided he wasn't through teaching me something and he smacked me in the head with this:

And again I was left speechless and convicted.  Turns out I do have a choice.....I have a choice of how I'm going to act while I'm patiently waiting on the Lord.  Stomping my feet and being a brat and choosing to not participate in life is not being patient.  In fact it's the opposite.  I continued reading in James 1 and finally found out why my husband says that it is his favorite chapter in the Bible.

James 1:12-15 NLT

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, “God is tempting me.” God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else. Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.

Yes I think when faced with the choice of the crown of life or death......yeah I think I'll take the crown of life!  How about you?  What will you choose today? Again my life all goes back to choices.  If I can choose life through cancer that is trying to kill me I can surely choose life through this. 

 And I have a God that pursues me when I forget that.  You can be a positive person, but without someone there to consistently talk you off the ledge, no one can be positive all the time.  My God does that for me.  He never leaves me, even if I am being a brat.  Even the best parent has a hard time with a bratty child.....we get frustrated and angry.  But our Father doesn't work that way.  He loves us even in our lowest darkest moments.  He's there to wrap his arms around you.  All you have to do is CHOOSE to let Him.

Watch this ladies......I couldn't have said it any better.

This is how we roll!

So this is how we de-stress.  We turn up some Taylor Swift and jam out!  Yes I know I'm a dork, but I go from being frustrated and grumpy to what you see here!  NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A DANCE PARTY!

I hope to score tickets for the girls and I when she comes to Dallas in May.  I think we all deserve to meet her after this year.......anyone got any connections ;)?????

I did not survive cancer!

So my head is spinning right now.  I know I have not updated my blog in a while and I can't tell you how many blog posts I have started and not finished...... But today is different.  I am sitting in my office at work right now with so much work to do, but I have to share this.

Just to catch everyone up, in case you don't follow me on Facebook, twitter, or instagram, I had my last chemo treatment on October 23, 2012.

It was really emotional for me.  I was both relieved and worried.....more relieved though.  My main worry was more about change......I'm a creature of habit......and yes I will admit, some those are bad habits.  But I hate change.  So of course cancer rocked my world but I quickly got into a comfort of chemo cycles.  The last 4 treatments were really rough.  I was so sick for the first week or two afterwards and would mostly just sleep....after throwing up here and there.  I would have memory lapses and even got to where I was unable to drive (especially after I hit 3 parked cars in my apartment complex.....totaling 2 of them and doing about $10,000 damage to my own car).  I would get these horrible thrush infections in my mouth that were almost unbearable.  It made my mouth raw.  But through all these awful side effects it never changed my determination.  With the odds being against me.....I never once considered that I would not beat this....and while I laying in bed.....I wasn't just laying there thinking, "Lord, why me?  I can't do this!"  It was more a righteous anger......"Cancer you suck and you will not stay in my body in Jesus name!  LEAVE NOW!"

I went to my follow up appointment with my oncologist today and she told me after looking at my scan they did to map my radiation.....she told me that she sees NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE IN MY BODY!  I couldn't believe it...... I didn't expect to hear that today. I thought it would be at least a few more months before we got this news.  But boy was it amazing to hear.  I already knew that the cancer was gone.....the same way I knew the lump I found was cancer, but it's always nice to have a doctor confirm what you know in your heart.  There is no other explanation as to why I am beating the odds other than Jesus heals!  He heals everyday.  Never through this process have I been mad at God.  He has been my Rock.  When I get scared, I trust in Him.  When I'm overcome by my circumstances I trust in Him.  He is my comfort.  He brings me that peace that makes no sense to the world.

So now I am officially a cancer survivor.....but I hate that term.  To survive means to remain alive or in existence   I am not just existing....I am LIVING.  I did not survive cancer.....I thrived through cancer.  I have come out the other end forever changed and there is nothing in me that remains the same.  God has shown me things through this that I'd never even thought about.  And ignited the desire to show these things to others.  I had a pastor speak a word over me a few weeks ago and he told me that THIS IS MY SEASON!  THAT THE THINGS I HAVE PRAYED FOR AND SOWN FOR ARE HERE.  So I am looking up now asking the Father to USE ME!  Let my light shine for You, Jesus, brighter than it ever has!  And let the enemy know that his attacks are pointless..... I will only shine BRIGHTER!  And I WILL ALWAYS CHOOSE LIFE!

So I did not survive cancer.....I demolished cancer, I beat the snot out of cancer, I have overcome cancer, I stood in FAITH through cancer, and by the grace of God, I THRIVED THROUGH CANCER!

My new friend Jeanine Phelps took these pictures for us and they will forever be precious to me.
Bella Jewel Photography  and the girls outfits were made by one of my very best friends Noelle Dixon....you can order them from her here: Glam R Baby.

How about some humble pie?

So I'm not going to lie, Round 2 has been hard.  I've been sick and cranky and tired, and in all honestly due to a lack of hormones in my body, I have been down right crazy!  And with those mood swings has come a sense of entitlement.  And when you let the devil "in" just a little it's amazing how fast he goes to work.  The saying, "Give him an inch and he'll take a mile," is a ridiculous understatement when we are referring to the enemy.  He doesn't come to mess with you a little, people; HE COME TO KILL, STEAL, AND DESTROY.  And boy he has been working hard these last three weeks at killing my joy, stealing my strength, and trying to destroy my testimony.  But I am so thankful for my pastor, who is led by the Holy Spirit to give me the TRUTH that is found in The Word of God.  Do you think it was a coincidence that our verse for the month of August is Romans 8:37 

Yeah it's not!  God knew I needed that so He gave it to my shepherd to give to me.  And He keeps giving it to me.....over and over.  He texts it out to me .... He comments on my fb posts.  When I am trying my hardest to tune out the Holy Spirit and throw myself a pitty party, my Shepherd is there watching out for my soul and I couldn't be more grateful for him and his amazing wife. 

#ADD of topic thought for this post--- I just encourage you to make sure that when you are sitting in a church that you are listening for the voice of your shepherd.  We don't need a church, we need a shepherd! Get into John 10:1-10.,   You don't need a church you need a Shepherd aka pastor!  Ok back to what I was talking about now....sorry I "squirreld" as I call it (watch Disney Pixar's movie "Up" and you will get it!)

So I've had my pastor building me up, but while he broke in and my attitude kinda started to change.....I was still holding on a little bit.  Then God said, "Ok time to come down to her to bring her back up to me."  I was contacted by a man that I knew when was little bitty......he was asking for help buying a home.  My aunt had told me that he had been battling cancer for a while, but was doing better.  As I started talking to him and he told me about a mass he had that was removed in July.  The good news is he is now cancer free.  The bad news is that the mass was removed from an area that allows him to not be able to sit down.  And the area where his mass was removed has to remain open to heal, and then they will do skin graphs to close it up.  So he literally has to lay down on his stomach ALL the time.  Yeah so what was I complaining about again?  He went on to tell me that I was very inspiring and I was taken back by his comments.

So Today I came into the infusion room for round 3 ready to rock it!  I was still a little grumpy, but was armed with a list of questions for my PA.  I was ready to stage a sit in in her office until she restored my sanity and my husband was all for it lol.  But of course she couldn't do that.  She answered my questions to the best of her ability and more or less said, "That's just how it is."  We had a little bit of a plan with some changes in medications which made me feel a little better, but I was still a little grumpy.

I sat down hoping to have someone next to me to chat with this time.  (The last 2 times the people next to me were much older and napped the whole time.)  A friendly guy sat down and was told his port wasn't working  so he would have to wait for chemo so he left.  Then a woman sat down next to me.  I'd seen her at least 3 times before in the waiting room and I knew she had breast cancer too since she wore a pink ribbon hat.  I automatically felt drawn to her the first time I saw her, but she always had friends with her.  I wondered if she was divorced since I never saw her husband with her.  But this time she was alone, so of course I seized the opportunity (those who know me, know I never turn down the chance to make a new friend!  Or at least have a conversation!)  Her name was Robbie-Sue and as she told me her story I was truly humbled.  She is stage 4 and has been battling this disease for a while now.  In the midst of her battle, she lost the love of her life, her husband, to liver cancer (could be wrong on that as my memory is horrible right now), but one thing I know......she loved that man with all her heart.  She has no family here, but a great support system in her neighborhood, but it's not the same as the man you love taking care of you.  Not to mention that when she was in the midst of her battle, she had to take care of him.  And still she has will to fight.  I looked over at my husband and he was choking back tears as was I.  I have it so easy compared to others!  One of my favorite sayings is, "It's impossible to be unhappy and grateful at the same time!"  I walked out of there truly blessed by her!  It's amazing how God can use anyone or anything to get our attention as long as we are open to receive it.  And sometimes he has to knock me over the head with it! :)  But thank God that his grace is sufficient! This is a great quote too, and so true no matter what you are facing!

She was a smart woman.  So what is your disposition today?  Are you choosing to be grateful for what you have?  Or unhappy because of what you don't?   It goes back to Choosing Life!  Round 3 or chemo all done and I left with a smile on my face, grateful for what I have!

Once upon a time there was a lump.......

So I've had a few people ask how this all started for me.... How did you know? Did you find a lump? What did it feel like? So I figured instead of telling the story over and over again I would just blog about it.....duh.

One day in early March I got out of the shower like every other day ready to take on the world, and I went through my normal routine, which includes slathering my body in as much lotion as possible ( I was blessed with dry skin).  I just happened to take my hands and wipe from under my arms across both breasts horizontally.  "Wait a minute, what was that?" I thought.  And brought my hand back over my right breast and pressed down from the front.....and nothing.  So I went at it the same way as before and there is was again.  It felt hard.....hard as a rock.  It was very close to my chest wall.  Words like Lumpectomy, BRAC testing, Mastectomy, CANCER......started flooding my mind.  I was familiar with all these as my Mom was just finishing up her reconstruction (she took her time).  She was diagnosed in April of 2010.  I shook all of that information right out of my head as fast as I could.  There's no way that's right......I mean come on.....I'm 28 years old for pete's sake(whoever Pete is......I've always wondered that...sorry ADD moment).  Then I remembered my mom saying things like she had really dense breasts.  That had to be what it was.  I called my husband in just to make sure he felt the same thing.......I put his hand on the right spot and he yanked his hand back like something bit him (he has a bit of a flare for the dramatic, but don't tell him I said that ;).  His response was, "Whoa that's so weird.  What do you think it is?"  I could see the worry all over his face.  I told him I wasn't sure, but I should probably go have it looked at.

In a perfect world I would have been in the doctor's office the next day, but when I took a new job in November of 2011, the company had decided to not offer health benefits (I'm a commissioned employee), but I took the job because I was paying so much money in gas driving to Dallas before that driving to this job would save me enough money to buy an individual policy.  Which yes the thought process made sense, but one of my weaknesses is that I'm more of a thinker than a doer.  But God was working and a new manager had started in February.  She demanded that our owners offer heath insurance and low and behold they agreed!  But the insurance wasn't supposed to be effective until April 1, 2012.  So we decided the best plan of action was to wait, just in case, on the off chance, it was something big.  At the end of March m manager told me that the insurance wouldn't be effective until May 1, 2012.  I don't really remember the reason why, but it didn't really matter.  God used that time to strengthen me to handle what was coming.

I remember on Easter Sunday we were at my Aunt's house.  All of a sudden I had a pain in the breast with the lump.  It was a dull ache.....like the kind I used to get when I was in those lovely adolescent years when things were "blooming." I remember mentioning it to my Aunt and she said something to the effect of, "It's usually never as bad as we are thinking it is."  I knew she was referring to cancer for some reason.....maybe she wasn't I don't really know, but that's what I was thinking.  I remember thinking, "Yeah I'm thinking I'm not going to mention this lump."  I didn't want to worry anyone when it was probably just something silly.

So May 1st rolls around and I was in my doctor's office on May 2nd just to have her take a feel...so to speak.  Her face said it all.  I love my doctor.....she is seriously one of the sweetest women I have ever met. She said exactly what I thought she would say, "Let's not worry until there's something to worry about."  But she sent me off to get a diagnostic mammogram and sonogram, "just in case."  But I knew she was worried.

It was a full week before they could get me into the radiologist office.  It was a long week.  During that week I found a 2nd lump in the same breast.  My doctor did a thorough exam and didn't feel it just days ago.  My husband was out of town when I went.  I knew they weren't going to do a biopsy right then ( since I'd walked this road before with my mom) so I told him he was fine.  I remember going in there and the ladies being so nice and commenting on how young I was (which is now a constant comment I get all the time) and how they get young girls in here all the time and it's just a fibroid and nothing to worry about.  But the mammogram tech's face changed as she started to look at the scans.  I heard God telling me,"I've prepared you for this.  Remember you are not what's on that scan, you are Mine."  She was quiet and led me over to the sonogram room where the tech was also very chatty and sweet, until she started taking pictures.....then it got very quiet.    I remember thinking, "Yeah that's not good."  Again God reminded me that I was ready for this.  She told me to hold on a second and brought the Radiologist in, who was finally straight with me, which I really appreciated.  She told me with me being so young and there being a history of breast cancer she wanted to get me into the Fort Worth office for a biopsy the very next morning. My thought was, "Yeah that's really not good, but I know I'm prepared for this God."  I turned to her and point blank asked her, "Do you think this is cancer?"  Her response was, "To be brutally honest with you, I'd be shocked if it was not cancer."  I told her if it was I just wanted to do the double mastectomy and be done with it.  (I watched my mom go through 2 lumpectomies before she just had the mastectomy done.  I didn't want to go through that. The radiologist told me with that attitude I would be just fine.  I went out to the car and tried to call my husband.  He was on a plane and didn't pick up.  I left a message and sat there not really sure who to call next.  No tears were shed and I didn't feel upset.  God was right.....I was prepared for this.  He made me to overcome.  My sweet husband was not prepared.  He was very quiet when I told him what she had said and had to sit on a plane and think about it, as he called me back from his layover.  

We went in for the biopsy which ended up taking less time that I thought it would, but was very painful.  The radiologist sat down with us and repeated everything she had told me to my husband and his tears begin to flow which of course made me a little teary eyed.  I think the only other times I'd ever seen him so frantic was when something that would require an ER visit would happen to the kids.  But this was a different kind a frantic.  After we left he backed my car into a telephone pole. After I checked to make sure there was no damage it was pretty funny.  We had to wait over the weekend for the results.  We did a lot of praying that weekend.  And God answered those prayers..... just not in the way we wanted Him to...... and the rest is an unfolding story....

You are never too young to start giving yourself breast exams.  I should have been.  Now reading this......you should be too!

Chemo- Round 1 goes to Me!

So you hear the word chemo and you cringe.  I always go back to the scene in the movie, Stepmom, with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon, where the mom (Susan Sarandon) is carrying the laundry basket and has to drop it to run and puke.  Then she has to call and have the "step-mom" (Julia Roberts) to pick up her kids.  Then out of frustration she throws the phone and then the laundry.  It is literally poison running through your body attempting to kill everything it possibly can.

So the day we anticipated for months comes.....Kevin and I are driving to the clinic and this song makes us both burst into tears.  The lyric, "Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son
Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"  I am redeemed, You set me free!" just rang so true for me. 

I had to remind myself to stop preparing for a fight.  It's funny to me that chemo schedules are referred to as rounds.  You say "round one"......you think boxing, fighting, gloves, big sweaty men.....eww kinda gross lol.  Or I get these pictures in my head that are specific to breast cancer that say "Fight like a girl" with the pink boxing gloves (not so gross).  There is a fight going on, but it's not what we think......this is what my Life Manual says:

So there are battles going on but if we can just remember that Jesus ALREADY WON!  I mean seriously how amazing is that.

Ok more about that in a minute with my ADD self.  We made it to the clinic, joined together in prayer, and headed on in.  So on July 2, 2012 I was administered round one of TAC (which stands for the 3 drugs that I am given: taxotere, adriamycin and cyclophosphamide).  It was nice and peaceful and quiet in the infusion room.....as all the old people around me were napping lol.

And they give you warm blankets.....ohhhh how I love a toasty blanket!  So I just relaxed and listened to some praise music and caught up on some tv.....the internet is a wonderful thing when used to defeat boredom!  I even got a foot rub out of the whole deal.....notice the look on Kevin's face! hehe!

He's so funny, and I just love his heart!  The nurse came over as we were finishing up and told me that I would be very nauseated and would have some vomiting going on the next couple of days, so to make sure and take the anti-nausea medicine they gave me.  And my precious husband looked her square in the face and said, "Nope she won't won't have that, in Jesus name!"  The nurse looked a little confused and said, "Um ok well if she does...."  Kevin again interjected, "She won't!"  The nurse looked at me, and I smiled politely at her. "Ok, well you are ready to go." she said in defeat I guess.  1 Cor. 1:18 says, "The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God."  And that has never been more evident to me!  We went and ate a huge lunch at P.F. Changs (oh so yummy) and I went home and now over 2 weeks later, I have not vomited one time!  I haven't even felt like throwing up! Praise Jesus!  See that's what God does! 

Now I'm not going to pretend like it has been all bunny rabbits and sunshine....not sure why I say bunny rabbits b/c we've had them before and while they are super sweet and cute they are really messy and poop A LOT, but you get where I am going.  I have been tired and achy which = grumpy for me.  I had a fever one week after my treatment and ended up back at the doctor.  But again my husband kept telling me I was healed.  And I'm not going to lie.....I felt like throwing something really hard at him!  But that's why God put us together, because when my faith is weak his is strong and vice versa!  I went in expecting my white blood cell count to be super low and end up in the hospital, but the nurse came back in and was confused since my counts were still in the normal range, which is not at all "normal" for a chemo patient.  She chalked it up to me being so young, but I know that is my God!  I love being the patient that confuses medical professionals.  Modern day miracles are still going on all around us and our heads try to explain them away, but God is they only explanation!  Come on people open your eyes and hearts and stop trying to reason God's miracles away! 

Around the end of week 2 my hair started to fall out......first just a little, which honestly made my hair more manageable since I have so much of it.  I had already decided that I wanted to shave it when it started getting out of control.  This to me was not at all an emotional thing.  I am not defined by what I look like, whether or not I have breasts or hair, or legs or arms, or anything else for that matter.  I know who I am in Christ.

And secretly I am one of those weird girls who looked at Demi Moore and Natalie Portman and said, "Man I wish I could do that!"  So once the shedding began I was ready!

So off came the ponytail!

And Here was the final result and I love it!

And with that I challenged my brother with the task of coming up with the best bald jokes he had and here is what I got:

Here you go Nicole Jasien. I love you.

TOP 10 REASONS CHEMO-INDUCED BALDNESS IS AWESOME>

#10: Blond jokes no longer apply to you.
#9: Increased aerodynamics. (important for runners, sky divers, swimmers human projectiles)
#8: You can finally drive your convertible to work. (no more 'wind-tunnel' hair-dos)
#7: You've got a blank canvas for new tattoos.
#6: You're now ready to audition for the Blue Man Group.
#5: Time to get a new driver's license...Hair Color: Invisible. (see how that one goes over with the cop the next time you're pulled over)
#4: Think of the money you'll save...no more barber/hairdresser, shampoo, hairspray, dandruff medication, hair dye, etc.
#3: Everyone knows that bald people make better lovers. (and if they don't, perhaps it's time that you showed them)
(That one was for Big Kev)
#2: It distracts attention from your face. (alright, that was completely uncalled for and I'm sorry)

And the #1 reason that chemo-induced baldness is awesome-

BALD=SEXY (just look at Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel, Natalie Portman and Britney Spears...ok, she's hot in a bald and crazy kind of way)

Vacation!

WARNING: LOTS OF PICTURES :-)

SO we had the most amazing time on our vacation! We drove to Dauphin Island, AL and spent an amazing week there.  We drove to Covington, LA and spent the night.  And Praise Jesus we made it there without killing any of the kids!

Surprisingly they were really good.....I think it helped that they were all arms length from each other.  So while in Covington we went to see some gators at the Insta-gator ranch!  We watch way to much animal planet so this was a really cool experience for the whole family and a bucket list item of my own.  I know I'm wierd lol!

Then we headed on to the beach.  Kevin's Brother Josh joined us for a few days.  He drove down from Nashville and it was great to be able to spend some time with him.

Yay we're at the beach!

Of course the kids were ready to hit the water and we did.  Taylor discovered the boogie board and she was hooked....the other 2 were a little more cautious with the waves but still enjoyed it.  Jacob preferred playing in the sand so we made a sea turtle.

Then we  decided to go grab some groceries and we learned a very valuable lesson.....if you ever rent a beach house right on the beach: make sure you back directly out of the driveway....don't try to be creative lol

My husband's beach driving skills

A guy came the next morning and pulled us out......we just made the best of it and this is one of my favorite pictures from the trip.

Pure Joy!

The next morning we woke up and Satan was busy trying to ruin our vacation.....Tropical storm Debbie started to roll in and flood everything.  The real estate company advised us to evacuate and offered to refund our vacation.  I was confused.....and was determined not to leave, but once it started to flood we decided to take it to Mobile for the night.

That water should all be sand!

We still found some fun stuff to do!

USS Alabama in Mobile Bay

Watching Movies at the hotel

We drove back first thing in the morning and resumed our vacation!  A bunch of people actually left the island.  But We knew the storm would turn....."How did you know?" you ask......Faith that's how we knew.  Kevin raised his hands and prayed over that storm and sent it to Florida. :-)  And at that point we pretty much had a private beach :-)

Boogie Boarding

We spent the rest of the day n the beach and oops I for got to put sunscreen on for a few hours.  And I paid for it, but it didn't slow me down.

We were so excited that one of our favorite families from church was able to join us for half the trip.  Kayden decided she liked them better than us.  I'm pretty sure if we said it was ok she's let Meagan and Derrick adopt her :p  Although her face isn't saying so here :)

We had so much fun fishing, laying on the beach and crab hunting...see video below!

                Dolphins!!!!

I have not laughed that hard in years!  Here are a few more pictures from our trip.....let's just say it was a trip of a lifetime that we will be making again! :-)