I don't have a choice, right?

So like everyone else I have things that I am really good at.  I'm good with math, I'm good with a sewing machine, I'm good at general problem solving.  And usually we really enjoy the things we're good at.  On the flip side there are a lot of things I'm not so good at.  Waiting is one of of those things.  I don't like waiting in lines (unless I have my smart phone and no kids).  I don't like waiting for things to arrive.  Waiting is just not fun, in fact I do very little online shopping for myself simply because I want it now.  I don't want to have to wait for something to ship, but I've been a little more open to it lately.  We live in an instant gratification society.  And with all the technology we do very little waiting.

We saw Kevin this weekend.  And let me tell you, in the federal prison system there is one thing you can count on..... WAITING.  We waited in our normal line.  We wait for Kevin to be called and come to the visiting room.  Basically from the time we get there to the time he makes it into the room is usually around an hour.

But just to be able to see him I really don't mind waiting.  I've concluded that the rules change based on the moods of the guards.  One day one thing is okay and the next day it's not.  And I'm not going to lie .....it irritates me.  Kevin looked at me and said, "Yeah honey I don't think you'd do well here.  Because really there's not a thing you can do about it."  And he's right.....there is nothing I can do about it.  I posted this quote yesterday morning.

At first I liked this quote, but the more I thought about it the dumber it sounded.  It's one of those fluffy things people can say without thinking and we all kinda just smile at the fluff because well fluff makes us feel better.  We love the fluff, but it's not real life.  Real life is that we don't have a choice.  The reason our track record is 100% is because what else is there to do?  Now if we want to get really deep with it I know you can say, "Well there are people who emotionally check out or who take their own lives or have a break down...." And while I'm still living and so are you, there are times most of us have thought about how being with the Lord sounds so much better than enduring hardship (not to compare this to actual suicidal idealizations....ok I'm getting off this subject). And we've all had our break down moments which kills the whole 100% (Here's one of my better ones. The part I left out of this blog is the fact that I kicked my car out of anger and put a big dent in it.  Yup that happened.) We all make it through because we have to.  I'm all my kids have right now.  No matter how much my carnal mind just wants to lay in bed all day and cry, I can't do that.  I have to get out of bed every morning and take my kids to school; I don't have a choice.  But the last few days, it's taken everything in me and the strength of the Lord to be able to do that.

Our visit was good.  But Kevin said something that rocked my world and sent me into a downward spiral.  He said, "So I have a date.  December 4th, 2017."  At first what he said didn't register.  I don't think that far ahead.....ever.  I'm just moving up to thinking in terms of months and not days.  So I asked him, "What do you mean date?"  And he said, "Release date."  And I felt that same panic that I felt in the courtroom rise up in me.  That uncontrollable emotion, but by the grace of God I was able to push it back down.  "Wow that's a long time from now."  I said.  "Well with the RDAP program my date would be June 4th, 2016."  The conversation moved on from that but those dates were in the forefront of my mind the entire time.  For someone who is only used to thinking days ahead, it was simply overwhelming to think about.  Kayden broke down in tears when we left and again I felt like my heart was physically being ripped out.  It was such a beautiful day and I needed a break from life so we went to the park that is right on the other side of the prison. (I'll never understand why there are parks next to prisons, but hey, it works for us.)  The kids had some cheetos left over from our visit so they decided to feed the ducks and these ducks and geese were not shy.  In fact they chased the kids across the park.  It was hilarious!  And for a brief moment all was right in the world.

So we made the long drive home.  But that date.... It's all I could think about and all I wanted to do was crawl in bed.  And that's what I did as soon as I put the kids to bed.  And the next day I woke up got the kids to school and came home and crawled right back in bed.  For 2 days I lived life at the absolute lowest level of effort.  I did only what was absolutely necessary.  We skipped extracurricular activities and I refused to leave the house.  

Kevin tried to make it better by saying, "We've already done almost 2 months, we only have to do this 16 more times."  Which made me feel a little better, but for someone who hates waiting.....well yeah.  I didn't touch my Bible and I just wanted to be left alone.  But I eventually had to shower.  And for some reason in my bathroom I can not ignore the voice of the Lord.  So yesterday afternoon I sat in my bathtub crying.  Actually it was more like complaining and whining, and being a brat. I just kept thinking I want this to be over and I want to share our testimony together. I want it to stop being hard!  I want to stop building such an incredible testimony. I want a year that doesn't involve life altering events!  And the Lord reminded me of something He told me before Kevin left.  He said to me, "The moment that I stop writing that testimony and you stop sharing it, is the point where you have real problems!"  And then I kept hearing the word "Patience," which as we covered above is not my strength.  I mean I don't have any other choice but to be patient right?  I can not change my situation.  And he said, "BUT I CAN!"  And yeah that shut me up.  And bless the Lord, He made it so easy for me.....I opened up my Bible app and the verse of the day was 

Psalms 27:13-14 NLT "Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord . Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."  

And you know what.....I have seen the Lord's goodness.  Our yard get's mowed every week, because of a man who loves the Lord.  Our dogs had somewhere to go while we were gone, because of a family who loves the Lord.  Our hotel room was booked because of that same family.  Dinner is randomly provided for us because of women who love the Lord.  And I get random checks in the mail from people who love the Lord.  I still get paychecks from Kevin's work that they are under no obligation to pay out because my husband loves the Lord.  He walks in the land of the dead(from a spiritual standpoint) and he has to be patient.  And I get to walk among the living and through them I see the goodness of the Lord and I'm having problems being patient?? 

 Ugh but there are those words I hate again......WAIT and PATIENTLY   But Lord, if that's what you called me to do I can do it.  I don't have a choice right?  And the Lord reminded me of those verses in James...James 1:2-4 NLT  "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."  So of course  I had to go search pinterest for a picture of this verse to post on facebook, but instead God decided he wasn't through teaching me something and he smacked me in the head with this:

And again I was left speechless and convicted.  Turns out I do have a choice.....I have a choice of how I'm going to act while I'm patiently waiting on the Lord.  Stomping my feet and being a brat and choosing to not participate in life is not being patient.  In fact it's the opposite.  I continued reading in James 1 and finally found out why my husband says that it is his favorite chapter in the Bible.

James 1:12-15 NLT

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, “God is tempting me.” God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else. Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.

Yes I think when faced with the choice of the crown of life or death......yeah I think I'll take the crown of life!  How about you?  What will you choose today? Again my life all goes back to choices.  If I can choose life through cancer that is trying to kill me I can surely choose life through this. 

 And I have a God that pursues me when I forget that.  You can be a positive person, but without someone there to consistently talk you off the ledge, no one can be positive all the time.  My God does that for me.  He never leaves me, even if I am being a brat.  Even the best parent has a hard time with a bratty child.....we get frustrated and angry.  But our Father doesn't work that way.  He loves us even in our lowest darkest moments.  He's there to wrap his arms around you.  All you have to do is CHOOSE to let Him.

Watch this ladies......I couldn't have said it any better.

Cereal and Church

So normally right now Kevin and I are plopped on the couch playing footsie and watching whichever TV series we've found on Netflix (we were watching 24).  We would have come home from church together and prayed over our kids before we put them to bed.  I'm doing all of those things without him tonight......except the footsie.....the dogs just bite my toes.  Church was hard for me tonight.  During the last couple of days it's been easy to just pretend life is normal and Kevin is at work.  His stuff is still everywhere. I just stay busy and have fun with the kids and it seems like any other day.  I was folding his clean laundry today and I thought, "What am I supposed to do with this?....do I just leave it there?  Do I pack it away?  Do I donate it?"  I know he's coming back, but in his words he's going to come home "looking like Brad Pitt in Troy".  So if he does that none of his clothes will fit him.  I think I'll stick with denial and just put them up like he's going to ask me where is basketball shorts are when he gets home.  Probably not the best way to deal, but we've got time to address that.  

Church was hard for me tonight because that is the place that our family is always together.  I rarely ever went to church without him.  Even Jacob forgot for a brief second and asked where Daddy was and I think the look on my face must have reminded him because before I could answer he said, "Oh yeah" and ran off to play.  But sitting in that sanctuary I realized there were very few times that I would look up from prayer and not see this:

The man loves being at the alter of God.  And it's nothing short of a miracle to see him there.  I got a few emails from him today.  He sounds good!  I didn't get to ask him all the questions I wanted but hopefully he will call me soon.  I did ask if he'd met the chaplain yet and he told me the chapel had not been open, but he said he's had lots of time to read and pray.  So that's good.  I can't wait to hear his voice.

So as hard as it was to be at church tonight I would not have missed it for the world.  And like He always does, the Lord had a great word for me tonight that came from the same man that Kevin went to lunch with instead of filing our divorce decree. (our pastor is in Texarkana tonight at a conference and is trying to get in touch with the chaplain at the prison to get into see Kevin tomorrow...so please pray that he is able to do that).  He reminded me of this verse: 

How powerful is that!  I felt His presence tonight.  I feel it all the time, but it was strong tonight.  All I've been praying for for weeks now is strength..... and as soon as I heard this verse my mind immediately went to this popular verse.....ok actually it went to the Twila Paris song (you know the contemporary christian song of the 90's) but the song is based off this verse:

(Random thought: How did people blog before being able to find cute pics on pinterest? )

Cue the light bulb moment!  Ok so Lord let me get this straight......if I get in Your presence I can have fullness of JOY and that JOY is my STRENGTH.......So if I want strength to get through the day I need to get in Your presence???  I can see God on his throne smacking His forehead saying, "By George I think she's got it!"  I've gotten so many amazing messages in the last 24 hours. saying what an inspiration I am and how strong I am, and while y'all know how to make a girl feel good, the truth is I am not any of those things without HIM.  It is only through Him that I have walked through being married to an addict, through domestic abuse, through cancer, and it's the only way I will be able to walk through this.  It's not always easy to lay things at the feet of the Lord and walk away from them.  I told a friend last night that sometimes I try to tiptoe back and just grab a few of the minor things.  But when we are able to lay our battles down at the feet of Jesus, we can truly start experiencing His presence.  And in that presence we find joy which is our strength.  I should be a mess right now.....I should be hiding in my house in my PJ's with a box of kleenex and my kids running around like rabid monkeys.  But instead we are living life with Joy!  I mean look how excited my kids are to get to eat breakfast cereal again! (Kevin thinks that cereal is too expensive because we eat it too fast......I think I love cereal and so do the kids and I will pay for the convenience of sleeping an extra 20 minutes....Love you honey!)

Jake gets very serious about cereal selection.....and Mom even let them get boxes instead of the malt-o-meal bags!  Score!  See it all goes back to Choosing Life......I will choose to wake up and get in the presence of the Lord....even if I have to lock myself in the bathroom to do it (moms you feel me on this one right?). I will choose Joy when I feel like crying.  I will choose Life and Life more abundantly because that is why my Jesus came (John 10:10), so that I can have that!  He came so that you can have that too!  

All you have to do is make the choice :)

The Worst Moment of My Life

I don't even know where to begin this post. I've already written and deleted it twice. I know those of you who are Facebook friends may have figured out that there is something going on in my life right now. And you're right. But let me just put to rest the fear..... I am still cancer free and am staying that way.  But my family is in the midst of a storm. 

I've gone back and forth on whether to go public with this, but those who know me know that secrets are not in my dna. I am the most open person you will ever meet.... Sometimes to my detriment. But it's just how God made me.  And we intend to glorify God in every circumstance. So I hope you'll walk this journey with us and be blessed by it.

On April 12, 2013 I sat next to my pastor and one of my very best friends in a federal courtroom in Sherman, TX and listened as a judge sentenced my husband to 5 years in a federal correction institution.  She gave him the maximum time she was able to and I am convinced that if she could have she would have given him more time. I remember not being able to breathe and then I lost it. I mean really lost it to the point that they removed me from the courtroom.  I couldn't believe that this was happening. The guy who committed those white collar crimes 8 years ago was dead. This man that sat before that judge was a different person. She didn't even look at him.... She just looked at what she saw on paper. And on paper my husband looks like a career criminal with a horrible drug problem. And up until about 2.5 years ago that would have been exactly right.

From the moment I met Kevin he struggled with addiction. For a long time I thought I could help him. I stayed through the most miserable of circumstances. There were times when we were completely broke. Like no gas in the tank and no milk in the fridge broke. And my husband's first priority still was getting high. There were times when  he would get violent towards me. He would be on the brink of insanity.  I would leave him for a few weeks/ months, but he would suck me back in promising changes he had absolutely no intention of following through with. And I fell for it every time.  He would pacify me by going to rehab only to come out stay clean for a few months and then go right back to it.  Or if he would stay clean, he would start gambling, like serious gambling.  He'd drive to the casinos in Oklahoma and I wouldn't hear from him for hours, sometimes days. I got used to being a single mom. Most days I had no clue where he was, what he was doing, or if he was coming home. And honestly most days I didn't care. As long as my kids had the things they needed and we were together we were okay. I did attempt to blog about my life then (www.notsoaveragesuburbanlife.blogspot.com) but it was really difficult. Mainly because it took everything in me to keep it together and there wasn't much left in me at the end of the day.  There were points where I knew he was doing things that were illegal, but it was so much easier to look the other way.  But it ate away at my soul.  I started to find refuge in God at that point in my life.  I remember being at my church in Frisco, TX in 2008 and hearing the Lord for the first time in a long long time.  And I seriously questioned my own sanity when I heard what He said.  He told me that my husband would be a mighty man of God and together we would change lives and help set people free by sharing our story.  I remember laughing internally.  I thought, "Maybe God meant my next husband because there was no way I can continue life like this for much longer".    (I never realized how much this story sounds like that of Sarah when God told her she would have a child.)  But He told me to remain faithful and continue to stand in the gap for my husband and that my faithfulness would be rewarded.  I reluctantly agreed, and my faith began building.  I remember laying hands on him while he was sleeping and praying over him.  When he would start acting crazy I would just start praying.  And he would mock me and tell me that prayer doesn't do anything.  And to be honest, I questioned it a few times myself.  I would start to see a change in him, a step forward, only to watch him give up and take two steps back.  We moved out to the country to live with his dad because we were so broke at one point.  Let me tell you something.......you want to test your faith???  Move out to the middle of nowhere to live in a travel trailer with 3 kids under the age of 6, 5 cats, and a rabbit.

Yeah not going to lie....it shook my faith a little.  It shook it even more when Kevin relapsed again.  I mean we are living in a travel trailer....like an RV! I just got to the point that I was ready to let it all go.  And I prayed and prayed about it.  And I felt peace about leaving.   I was grieved, but knew it was what was best for the kids and I.  I had a cousin offer to let us live with her and I still don't think she has any idea of what that act of kindness has done for my family.  I thought it was the end......the end of our family, the end of my hope for our future.  When I think about this time I always go back to Proverbs 16:9.

God was directing my steps when I thought he had failed me.  I just didn't understand why God didn't "fix" my husband.  I was faithful and I stood in the gap.  If this was the reward I wasn't sure I wanted to follow this God anymore. Little did I know that God was beginning a work that is nothing short of a miracle in Kevin's life.  All of sudden everything he knew was gone.  He didn't have me in the background cleaning up his messes or taking care of the day to day things.  He didn't have his kids.  He didn't even have a place to live.  He was sleeping on his dad's couch driving his dad's car.  And he finally hit a place where he knew that if something didn't change he was going to die.  He hit his knees and cried out to God.  And God showed up in his life in a mighty way.  On April 17, 2011 with the help of his manager of all people (who was a former addict and ended up being his sponsor) Kevin walked into a Narcotics Anonymous  meeting with a sincere desire to change his life.  Even though this was everything I wanted from him, I was a complete skeptic.  I had a right to be that way.  I'd seen this from him so many times only to have my heart crushed when he would relapse.  As I ran further away from God, Kevin ran closer to Him.  He was at church anytime the church doors were open.  The Pastor of that church in Seagoville, TX is like a second father to Kevin.  He never gave up on him when everyone else did.  He showed Kevin what the love of Christ really was and it changed his life.  Kevin began to realize how much of his own kid's lives that he had missed.  He moved to a sober house in Lewisville to be closer to the kids and I let him spend time with them.  He eventually moved out to Roanoke, TX to help "co-parent" our kids.  I remember being relieved when he stayed sober and was able to help with the kids.  I watched him be the kind of Daddy I always wanted for my kids and all of a sudden I started to get angry.  Mainly angry at God.  I remember thinking, "Seriously God?  Now you're going to "fix" him?  Now that we're not together anymore.... That is a bunch of  bull!" (I'm pretty sure there were some curse words added in there, but I figured I'd skip that.) And I let that anger boil and fester and drive me further and further away from God.  I let Kevin have the kids on Wednesday nights because I wanted them to go to church, but I didn't want to take them.  I had them every other Sunday, but we jumped from church to church so I didn't have to really commit.   But I still felt the Lord tugging at my heart every time I walked into His house.  Kevin came with me a few times since we wanted the kids to go to the same church every weekend.  But he knew that's not where he was supposed to be.  He ended up finding this tiny little church in a shopping strip, and he knew right away this was his home.  He kept inviting me to come and in my stubborn anger I kept saying no. At this point divorce papers were filed and ready to be finalized and we had both been dating other people.  It looked hopeless that our family would ever be reunited.  But he finally wore me down and I reluctantly agreed to go to church with him one Wednesday night.  I had ATTITUDE written all over me when I walked in that sanctuary.  It was way too small for me to just blend into the crowd.  Praise and worship started (which has always been "my thing") and this beautiful blonde woman got up and started singing to tracks....like there were no instruments.  I kept thinking, "This place is a joke, this is like karaoke God style."  And then all of a sudden the spirit of God came on me...like smacked me right in the face.  And I fought it with everything I had in me.  I crossed my arms and tried to close it off, but it didn't work.  He was there and I couldn't deny it.  I left that night feeling confused and wondering if I was making the right decisions.  I decided to grab back on to that anger because I'd been here before and the bottom always fell out.  I couldn't go through all that again.  I pushed Kevin to finalize our divorce.  I signed the final divorce decree and left it up to him to file it.  And I made it easy for him to want to.  He went to lunch with a guy from his church who told him a story about his own marriage and how God had restored what he thought was beyond repair.  Kevin was supposed to be filing our final divorce decree that day, but he called me and asked if I would be willing to go see his pastor with him just as a last ditch effort.  I reluctantly agreed.  That was one of the best decisions I've ever made.  We sat in this man's office and I shared with him my anger towards God and how I just didn't get it and he said something to me that I will never forget.  He said, "Nicole, God didn't let you down.  Kevin did.  God can't control the choices of a man."  Tears streamed down my face and right there that anger lifted and I felt a hunger for God like I've never known.  In the next 6 weeks we sat in OUR pastor's office and learned what the Bible says a husband and a wife are supposed to be to each other.  We learned things we'd never known and we fell in love, maybe for the first time.  I met a new person and I realized that the old Kevin I knew was gone.  It wasn't all easy.  We both had to make adjustments and we dealt with some backlash from our families.  They only knew the old Kevin.    In our last counseling session our pastor gave us a warning that was NO JOKE!  He said, "The last thing Satan wants is for your family to be restored.  He will go on attack.  You need to be prepared to go to battle."  We had no idea what we were in store for.

A few months after that day Kevin received a call from his attorney telling him that the federal prosecutor was filing an indictment.  We knew that Kevin had been investigated, but we thought the statute of limitations had expired since the crime (official charge was conspiracy to commit wire fraud, although they never charged anyone else so it was a one man conspiracy) had been committed over 5 years ago.  Apparently President Obama had decided to extend that statute.  And since Kevin had gone in and cooperated with the FBI there was no chance that he would not be sentenced.  And the truth was that he was guilty.   We were told we'd have 6-12 months before his sentencing hearing.  It was quite a blow.  But we were both calm.  We knew we had some time.  We weren't going to let this deter us.  We continued to stay in the word and we continued to go to church.  Two weeks after we got the phone call from Kevin's attorney, I was diagnosed with stage 3c breast cancer.  And well my blog chronicles that story.  We had plenty of time to make a plan and Kevin did a great job of making sure the kids and I are well taken care of while he is gone.

Looking back I see how God moved in so many ways that made no sense at the time.  I know that is what is happening right now.   

Yesterday, August 5th, Kevin reported to FCI Texarkana.  It was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life and I've beat cancer.  We intended on leaving the kids with a friend, but as soon as we got in the car both of our girls started to break down.  I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.  We asked them if they wanted to go with us and they said yes.  We made the 3 hour drive together laughing and talking.  It was such a sweet time together.  I'll never forget it.  We decided to go to lunch at one of Kevin's favorite places.....Golden Corral.   With full bellies, we asked a stranger to take our last family picture.

Not sure what's going on with Jake's face there, but I still cherish this picture.  We drove him to the facility.  I felt like my heart was being ripped in two as we pulled up and I'm not going to lie... My self ccontrol was hanging by a tiny thread. We got out of the car and he prayed over each of us and the tears flowed.  We said our final goodbyes and watched him walk into a 12 foot double barbed wire fence.  I walked my 3 hysterical children back to the car.  Walking those 40 feet back to my car was the worst moment of my life thus far. I looked up to heaven and I felt the Lord strengthen me.  All I wanted to do was scream and fall apart, but with the help of the Holy Spirit I held each of my kids hands and looked into their tear filled eyes and told them that we are going to be ok.  I told them that we can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens us. And we sat in the car and watched at he finally disappeared behind a door.

Then we made the long drive back home.  I've never had such a quiet car ride with my kids.  I turned on praise music and took turns holding my girls hands as they cried.  I know people were praying for me.  I felt the arms of Jesus wrapped around me.  And I felt peace.  That peace that surpasses all understanding.

I have not heard from Kevin yet, but I do have a address for him.  Feel free to email me if you would like it. The kids and I plan on visiting him at least once a month.  And in the federal system, inmates have access to email.  So we will be able to email him.  But I have no clue how long it takes to set all of that up.  Right now I am just trusting God for favor for him.  God fulfilled the word he gave me back in 2008.  My husband is a mighty man of God.  He has already changed so many lives.  I don't know if it was satan working that put Kevin there or if it was merely a consequence of stupid decisions.  Either way that place that is filled with darkness has no clue the bright light that just walked in.  My husband walked into prison a FREE man! And he is about to set others free.

He spent the last year of his life preparing for this mission trip.  He finished one year of bible school and he started preaching the word of God.

He is ready for this mission trip and so are we.  I'm not even going to pretend that this is easy.  There have been many, many tears shed.  I piled all 3 of my kids into bed with me last night because I couldn't bare the thought of sleeping in that big empty bed by myself. (This will probably go on until school starts)  He's going to miss Jacob's first day of kindergarten and his first t-ball game.  He's going to miss birthdays and Christmases.  This is not going to be easy, but when Kevin walks out those doors no man will ever be able to judge him again.  We do not know how long he will be there.  With good behavior he could be out in 51 months vs 60.  If you would like something to agree with us in prayer for we are praying that Kevin will be accepted into the Residential Drug Abuse Program or Rdap.  If he can get into rdap they will knock 18 months off the 51 months.  He will have to spend 6 months in a halfway house, but he will be close by and able to work.  The only thing that might prevent him from getting into that program is the amount of time he's been clean.  So prayers for favor for that would be appreciated.  It will make a huge difference for our family.  As soon as I hear from him I will post more details about what he can receive and what he needs.  I know he intends to email me blog posts to post on a blog that I will create for him so I will have more details on this as well.  Thank you for all the love and support you've shown us.  It lifts me up more than you will ever know.

Love,

Nicole

***Wow I am floored by the response to my blog!  Thank you for all the love and messages!  There is no need to ask permission to share my blog!  Please share away!  God is so good and I hope that people can see His love through my family!  Add me on facebook, follow me on instagram, follow me on twitter, email me!  I never meet a stranger and would love to hear your stories!***

10,000 and the Virgin Mary

So my blog hit 10,000 views a few days ago! It seriously blows my mind! I know that's not necessarily 10,000 people but it still has to be a lot! A lot of those views are thanks to Ashley Hacksaw over at Lil blue boo and this post about hair loss. It's really exciting, and I hope in some way my story is blessing you!

Back in December of last year my pastor announced that at the end of the year we would be fasting and seeking God for goals for 2012. I'm going to be honest here.... I love food! So fasting did not sound like my idea of bringing in the new year!  But hey if God could tell me what was up for a new year I figured it was worth it.  I did sun up to sun down fasting for 3 days, which means basically I ate breakfast and dinner and did water during the day.  It was not easy, but when your stomach starts to ache....it's an instant reminder to get into prayer!  And I kid you not I heard Him....The first couple of things were easy and clear!  But then it started to get a little fuzzy and I thought I heard the word "Write".  I really didn't understand, but I did what my pastor said and wrote it down.....but I put a question mark by it.  I just didn't understand what in the heck He wanted me to write.......My first thought was music since I play the guitar and have really been wanting to try writing a song.  But that's not what God had planned.  The fist and only time so far I feel like I really heard an audible voice from God was on May 16, 2012 during our normal pre-service prayer time.  I had recieved my cancer diagnosis 2 days earlier and still just felt at peace.  I wasn't up at the alter blubbering asking God why this was happening.....I was asking God to show me how to glorify Him through this journey.  AND CLEAR AS DAY I HEARD HIM SAY THE WORD "WRITE"!  It starteled me to the point that I looked up to see if there was someone in front of me.  My pastor was up on stage praying but was not looking at me and had not said anything.  For some reason, I thought to myself, "I need to remember that this song ( When I speak Your name by Christ for the Nations was playing at the time) is playing right now."  I bowed my head and heard it again "WRITE" and instantly I saw a blog in my head.  And then I heard Him say, "And this is what you are going to call it" as Elizabeth Clark belted out, "I say Your Name, I speak Your name, There's power in the name of Jesus!"  And then like Joey on friends I had that "Oh Ok I get it " moment as my head flashed back to this piece of paper taped in the front of my Bible.

Subject Change......don't worry I'm going to tie this together at the end.....I promise this is not my ADD kicking in!

So I love Christmas time...everything about it.  Since I've become a mom, I've been fascinated by the Virgin Mary (the mother of Jesus).  I remember being 15 and thinking about what I would do if an angel came and told me I was pregnant.....I don't think I would have been as willing as Mary was.  I know she must have struggled, but to be chosen by God must have been humbling.  Some of my favorite Christmas songs are songs coming from Mary's point of view and put to words what she must have been thinking  My current favorite is "Born in Me" by Francisca Battistelli

"I'm just a girl, nothing more.  But I am willing, I am Yours!" 

 I know at 15 that was not my heart.  I was selfish.  And I know that if I knew that I was giving birth to a baby that I would have to watch be crucified......yeah I don't think I could do it.  Luke 2:19 "But Mary was keeping within herself all these things (sayings), weighing and pondering them in her heart."  Since I've had my own son, I cannot watch the passion of the Christ without becoming a blubbering mess.  Especially the scene where Jesus is carrying the cross and falls and she flashes back to him being a little boy and falling.  I can't imagine watching my son go through that.....even if he was saving mankind from hell!  I wonder if she was pondering the future that her son would face.  I wonder if she knew the profound impact He would have on the world. I am in complete awe of her willingness to serve her God despite how hard it must have been. I figured when I looked up the meaning of the name Mary it would mean something like blessed or divine... so I was a little shocked when I found that the name "Mary" means bitter, rebellion, or wished for a child.  Someone was way off on that!  First I don't think Mary was wishing for a child at 15 being unmarried and second I see nothing in Mary's life that suggests bitterness or rebellion.  If she was either God would not have used her.  In Mary I see strength and resolve.  I see complete abandonment of self and a heart that was willing at all costs to serve God.  I see the pure love of a mother for her son, and the indescribable love of a sinner for her Savior!

I want that heart!  We should all want the heart of Mary.  When God says, "Hey I know you're an unwed teen, but I want you to give birth to my son who will break every chain and set captives free, but I promise it will all be ok and you will change the world."  What would you say?  How would you feel?  Or when God says, "Hey I know you are about to go through grueling treatments, but I want you to WRITE!  And while you are writing I want you to keep your faith in Me and smile and encourage others.  I know people say you might die, but I promise it's going to be ok and you will walk in Victory over cancer."  What would you say? How would you feel?  I know what I said:

"I'm just a girl, nothing more.  But I am willing, I am Yours!"

If I hadn't there would have been no blog for these people to view 10,305 (as of the am) times.  I never ever would have thought that many people would care what I had to say......but God did!  Next time He calls on you remember that you may not know what he's doing, but neither did Mary.  And her willingness to serve God changed eternity for mankind.  :)